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so...my life...... things haven't improved with john and me; they've worsened. he says he loves me but he sure doesn't treat me as tho he does. he's irritable, temperamental, snarky, can be downright belligerant and always mad about something. he picks fights constantly, twists everything and blames ME, takes NO reponsibilty for his part in any argument HE starts and NEVER apologizes for anything, much less, admits he's in any way wrong. it's me. all me. everything is my fault. something is terribly wrong and i don't know what it is but it's scaring me. this isn't john. i don't know this person. it's like...who are you and what have you done with my husband??? he refuses to seek help because he really doesn't see (or says he doesn't) that there's anything wrong. and he can get so childish, that's almost the worst of it. the things he says, the way he acts...he's like a 3 year old, and i am not exaggerating. in case there are any concerns, no, he has never taken out his anger on the pets, just me. and no, nothing physical, it's all verbal, except when he stomps his feet or slams his hand on an inanimate object. i honestly don't know him anymore. mostly i don't want to be around him anymore. the way to get along with him is to stay away from him, so, i spend as much time in the pool as possible. whatever room he's in, i head for a different one. i speak to him as little as possible and just try to say out of his way. some marriage, huh? i don't know what happened...i don't know where john went....and i don't know how much longer i can hang on. or if i even want to. i'm not even sure if i love him anymore. he's destroying our once-close marriage and he doesn't seem to care. when i have tried to talk to him, on those verrrrrry rare occasions when he's not denying, he will seem to recognize there's a problem and says he'll do better or some such fluff. but clearly he doesn't mean it because it doesn't take long for his behavior to deteriorate once again. he can't seem to control his emotions, and that may be the absolute scariest part. not in the sense of fearing for my safety, but rather, his mental state. i don't know what to do. i just don't know what to do. i feel as tho my life is falling apart along with my marriage and all i can do is watch it crumble around me.

i haven't wanted to talk about this because it was just too painful. for a long time i was in panic mode over it, but i've calmed down a lot and it's easier to talk about now, for some unidentifiable reason. maybe because i've more or less accepted that this is just the way it is and i have to learn to deal with it. that's really not fair to me, but i don't know what else to do, short of leaving him. never in a million years would i have thought that this is where we'd be, after all we have been thru in 23 years together. yes, we got thru the cancer together, but that actually made us closer. that is, until he had the last surgery, then gradually everything started to change. i suppose this is the main reason for his behavior, but other than the implant clogging up, which it will always do, his health is just about perfect. and he can speak! wouldn't you think he'd be happy and grateful, considering all he had suffered over the past several years since the surgery??? is this some delayed reaction??? now that things are more or less ok, he can be angry instead of just suffering??? ugh. whatever. i don't know. i don't know because he won't talk to me. he won't talk to anyone. he will just take everything out on me, instead.

guys. thank you. i haven't answered your posts and i am sorry. i will, tho. i promise. i'll be back and hopefully in a lot less time than 2 months. i love you. please keep hanging in with me, and please tell me what you think? i really need and crave feedback. and maybe more than anything, i need to know i'm not deserving of being treated badly, and be told i'm really not the i've been made to feel like.

the past 11 days have been pretty difficult. john started feeling ill a week ago thurs. his abdomen was extremely distended and hard, but he didn't have pain. by fri. he'd worsened and i kept telling him to call the dr.! finally he went to the vet hospital ER sat. where they did exrays. his stomach was FULL, so they pumped it and retrieved a substantial amount of undigested food. they couldn't see anything on the exrays so he was to have an endoscopy and was told to call to make an appt. with his PCP so he could get a referral to a gastroenterologist. meanwhile he could only have liquids until the endoscopy. he was BADLY dehydrated, too, but initially they couldn't get a vein for an IV because of the dehydration so they finally found one in his foot. poor guy... after all he has been thru with the throat cancer.

john is now in the hospital. on top of the stomach problem, this past tues. morning he developed dizziness and a cold sweat. it was severe, i kept my fingers on his pulse which was dangerously erratic and scared me half to death. he's had 2 minor episodes before of a-fib (severe arrhythmia), but nothing like this. then he developed pain in the middle of his back. before that he refused to let me to call paramedics, but when the pain started, i said, that's it, i'm calling!! the fire station is just a few blocks away so they were here in less than 2 minutes. they hooked up to monitors, started an IV, all the usual, and the paramedic verified he was in a-fib. oddly enough, when this happened, he was practically walking out the door to see the dr. for the endoscopy referral! so now they are dealing with everything in a *regular* hospital, not VA, but they will pay for everything...

he had the endoscopy a few days ago, plus a cat scan, swallow study and more exrays. besides the sphincter at the end of the stomach not functioning properly, they also detected an ulcer in the duodenum with substantial swelling. he had been in ICU until sat. as they had quite a time establishing a normal heart rhythm, but one of the meds they tried finally did it. now there're just the stomach problems to deal with, and they are waiting for the swelling to go down. if it doesn't, he will have to have surgery to remove the ulcerated area of the duodenum and resection it. during the endoscopy they biopsied the ulcerated area and the sampled tissues are benign. however, if the swelling doesn't subside, the surgery will be exploratory so they'll be looking for whatever else could be causing it. apparently not everything shows on a cat scan, so, this has me quite worried.

thank you so much for your replies to my previous post. i am sooo behind in responding, but i hope you understand.

lots of love,