Yuku free message boards

@guru: Kitty is still doing very well, I'm able to give her what she needs and that's not costing me much energy I like petting her, having her on my lap in the evening and I'm happy she's around

@wreds: I haven't had the procedure yet. in fact, I haven't heard from the hospital at all so far No appt, nothing. I did think about it today. I swear, if I had the prepthing today, I'd go absolutely crazy.
I'm also having trouble with the heat at the moment. It's not even that hot, I think, but I've had heat-tolerance problems for a few years now and at this moment it's not very pleasant. I'm taking care of my parents' bird at the moment (holiday) and I'm so happy it's only 1-2 days left. I'm going by car with no airco and I just feel sick due to the heat. Bus is no alternative; they don't have airco either
I had to go home from my volunteerjob last night, that was a bit of a bummer. It was too much, and I couldn't stay on my feet much longer so I went home.



I'm having my glasses tested on Monday, I'm not sure if they're measured correctly. I'm going to another optometrist though. Who knows some of this cr*p is easy to explain.

But even if it's not; I think I have to get up on my feet again, moodwise. In any case my mood isn't helping in dealing at all and I know that some of it is also just this stupid cycle of feeling bad, thinking, feeling worse, thinking, feeling even worse etc. Maybe most of it is.
This is one of those times where I'm finding it hard to distinguish between waiting for it to pass because it's mostly a mental issue, or keeping up it's mental when in fact it isn't.

For some it may be a very trivial thing, some may wonder what lies underneath all these physical issues. But the truth at the moment is that I don't know. It's so easy to say it's stress, but I don't know what I'm stressed about It's just this everlasting stupid non-explicable stress thing.
Yeah, I have a bit of 'wanna SI, but won't' stuff in me, but I doubt that can explain it all. See if it takes away some symptoms of my weak body. If so, it's proven to me it's menatk. If not, it's not proven it's not mental, so what's the point of it? I have another wound, tomorrow my stress will be back and the cycle starts all over. And that SI-ing may in itself be a symptom, but it may also be just the craving. You know?
Oh cr*p... I don't even know what I mean

I just know I haven't SI-ed in nearly 4months, ER at the hospital may finally lose memory of who I am (yeah...some nurses and docs over there already know me ) and that's what I want it to be like. I'm proud of my accomplishment, even if I slip some day.
But at the same time -which is what I shouldn't say because it's not helpful...- sometimes I wonder what the price of it is. At this moment I find it quite high. IF my non-SI-ing is involved. I know that somehow it's better than creating a wound. At least some would argue that, and in one way that is absolutely true. At the same time I sometimes would like to scream out that I really, really wonder if this is a better alternative. Feeling sick, having to quit my work early, literally not being able to stand on my feet, is that really so much better? Is it?
Maybe I give the answer in one of my phrases about. sometimes I would like to scream out. Maybe I should do that just for the sake of it.

I'm sure that in a few weeks time my posts will be a bit more positive again. Apart from my nonSI-ing, there isn't much in this post that shows I'm coping well at this moment.
There's no need to respond, really. It's good to write it down somewhere.
I'm seeing G. on Tuesday, so I can make him go crazy soon enough

Finally, the temp has gone down At least that drama is over for a while now, though it's just July, so there's probably more to come. (it will get warmer next week again) You're right Mys: I can go to those places next time, or get something to cool me down more. Too bad the cat hates those things, but well... suppose it's either her or me
I like the coldfeetdipping too Clander! ( He he, I could get some sand too maybe and imagine myself at a beach )



I fired G. two days ago. After about 2 years of doubt and frustration, last week has shown me it's finally enough.
I crashed a bit (more than a bit really). It's probably the heat, the physical trouble, some stress over how I'm going to do this all when I'm doing the traineeship, stress over a friend and *snap*. Started to hear voices that gave me instructions and I couldn't ignore them.
To make a long story short: G. let's me be a danger to myself. Let's me die- if necessary. He told me it would be too bad, but well. (...) Probably therapeutically meant. Shock therapy or something. Stating: if I don't care maybe she starts to. I'd get angry over this, and thus want to live. It's like saying: I don't think you can do that, and then showing I can.
But to me this only shows that I'm sort of a hopeless case. He can't help me anymore, so he can just let me go. But he did his best.

Which, finally, I don't think he does or did. For 3 years I have found that G. listens, but that's it. He doesn't give me advice, just asks me what he can do. When I tell him this, he says he doesn't see the use of it. Or it wouldn't work. Example: a few weeks/months ago I asked him if he could confront me a bit more by saying for example: "aren't you making things a bit too big now?" He said: "Right. That won't work with you. You'll blow that out of proportion too. But, if that's what you want: go to an outpatient (3days a week) group. There they'll be good at this." What on earth? So it's either a therapist who does nothing but nodd and listen (and letting me be as destructive as h*ll) or an outpatient therapy?
And I thought I could do black-white thinking
My psychomotoric therapist E. said something the second time about 'patterns of thinking'. She assumed that G. and I would have talked about this already and that we would be dealing with that in our sessions. And more things like this, which got me thinking: "yeah... that's what therapy should be like, but it's not. It never was and with G. it never will be."

If I want to be able to keep up a stable enough life and be able to get through moments/months like this, I need ways to do that. I don't need words like: oh just keep up your job and stay active. I know that. But keeping up my job is not what keeps me from breaking down. I need something to get through those moments so i can still cary out my job.
I can't work with 'just don't listen to the voices, you should be stronger than this, you let this happen to yourself and you do that much too easily' as my GP told me this week. (which hurt quite a bit.She has no clue on how my weeks have been and how hard I fought to stay upon my feet, not even when I told her. She still thinks I choose the easy way out )
She also doubts about meds (like I do too), but she says this is more something for a psychiatrist than her job. Right. Thing is that the psych doc referred me back to my GP, because I'm not 'bad enough'for him. She can do this just as well. Side-effectways it's even preferred I have my GP for this, he said. GP said that side-effectways my psych doc is the right person. So neither feels the need to be the one to look at options for meds. Psych doc says: arrange it with your GP. GP says: arrange this with your psych doc.
I'm the messeneger for them both. They don't call each other, they tell me to give the message to the other. I think that's pretty bad to be honest but the reasoning is: your ilfe, your responsibility. That's true, but it's not my job to intermediate between them, is it?
IF they finally work out this is a job for my psych doc, he'll have time for me in 4 weeks. (sigh) GP says: if that's the situation then I can't do anything about that. That's not true, but what more can I say or do about that? My GP only says to ride it out then and be stronger. Which I will be if I just look at everything positive and things I have accomplished
That should give me ways to get out of this, not to 'let myself be influenced so much'.

Anyway. The *snap* with G. happened when I asked him for advice on how to deal with the voices. I asked him: do you have any advice what to do?
"No..."
-"Oh.. I'm trying to negotiate with them if there's other stuff I can do to satisfy them, but all I got so far is SI-ing badly"
"weird"
-"weird? What's weird?"
"What you do. Just don't do it."

Two hours later I talked online to someone from some helpline who happened to have given some courses in this area.
And he/she had some tips that I just never figured out on my own, as simple as they really freaking are.
-put on headphones with music loud enough not to hear them
-negotiate about when they can be present and when they have to leave you alone. (which is of course a way better way of negotiating than finding other stuff to do to satisfy them )

There's no way that G. doesn't know this. And even if he doesn't: it's still enough reason to ask for someone else. If he has no experience in dealing with things like this, then he's obviously not the right person. It's not like it's easy to do the things above all the time, but at least it's something I can try. It's something more effective than: just don't listen, be stronger and endure them.

So I fired G. through mail, but I will see him next week, and I felt it was better he had the background beforehand than spending 20 minutes on that, and then hearing: we'll talk about it again next time. No we won't. It's enough now. get me to another therapist/team, I'll hear about that next time, but we will not talk about it more next time. He had his chance a few times before, but since he won't change (lol) it's over and done with.
My GP wants me to call her back after this session, to see what's going to happen. If I won't stay where G. works, then we'll look for other ways/therapists elsewhere, because 'you really need counselling'.

I have to say that all of this is confusing me quite a lot. Though things are better voice-wise at the moment, I'm stuck dealing with all the frustration and pain that the past week has given me. Which in itself is a 'dangerous' predisposition for further psychotic problems. So I have to stay alert.
On the other hand, I truely wonder what staying alert brings me. Because if I then tell anyone things are going downhill, I'm getting a deja-vu of the above.
I still only need to be stronger, smarter and not let myself be influenced.

I'm not saying I'm a helpless little child and thatI haven't reached something so far. But it's a bit cyclic reasoning to point to just that fact in itself when I do ask for help.
If I want to keep this all up, I just have to look at what I accomplished so far. Im in quite desperate need NOT to let go of that, but when I know what I have and that there's a danger of losing some it this way, it doesn't help. I sometimes hate being able to voice my thoughts so well. Because it gives everyone so far ground to say: "R, you can speak about this so well, this means you are smart enough. You KNOW what to do and don't tell me you don't, because your verbal skills tell me otherwise."
My last psych eval straight out mentioned that I'm being overrated in my ability to work things out myself. Just because my verbal skills put people on the wrong track.
I don't do that on purpose, I even tell them this. But people stick to their opinion. I have good verbal skills, so I can figure it all out myself. Smart enough.

Maybe I am. But if that's true, then I can quit counselling. Which my GP contradictively says I need, because I can't do it on my own. I can't get upset with her, because 'she wants to help me'. yet I need to voice what I feel. When I do, it's not fair?
I really don't get this stuff anymore.

Thanks for the encouragement regarding G. I know I should've done this a long time ago, but well... considering how I was doing and the 'results' from my inpatient treatment a period of calmer therapy(ish) wasn't a bad thing. And some people even ask me: do you really still need counselling? Can't you trust on your own by now? (not meant as negative as it may be put here). But I know that's not the right time yet.
I will be able to quit once. (and I don't mean when I'm dead ) But there's still quite a bit of things going on and even though I can deal with a lot of them a lot better than before, I think quitting now is a bit... too optimistisc

@wreds: if I'm 'lucky', going to a new team means I will be dealing with a different psych doc. And maybe it will be a whole lot clearer then who does what, medswise. Hopefully the worst part of passing the buck will be over then.

@Mys: 111F?? Ok ok, I'll shut up about high temps

so, bye bye, so long, farewell!!

You forgot hasta la vista

@Cladner: I like the idea of a higher power Thanks for that!

Actually I feel quite a bit better. Firing G. made a difference, writing a letter to my GP did too. Something I thought I needed to tell her and got of my chest after two years. (lol, speaking of procrestinating ) I'm not entirely glad I did that, but I did think it was the only way to maintain a good and normal doctor-patient relationship. Something about seeing her as my surrogatemom and knowing that I can't give her that role. Or maybe I can, but it shouldn't take over, and it was going to, so I thought: wow R.... maybe it's time to tell her . Now that I did, I do feel I'm able to see her more as my GP. Even when -ofcourse- it's not over just like that, but it did help me to put things a bit more in perspective and to know that a mother-daughter kind of relationship is quite destructive to a good doctor-patient relationship. And since I can't have the first thing, it's better to focus on the last thing.

Furthermore I have started to take action on my chronic hyperventilation. I just started to see someone for this, the only problem lies in the fact that a lot of it is a bit overlapping with my psychomotoric therapy
In itself not the worst thing, but I have the feeling that I feel much more at ease with this guy I just started to see than with the woman that I have for PMT. There's something I can't put my finger on yet, but I can't really connect with my PMT-therapist. I don't feel very safe with her (mom-issues, again ) and that may be something to work with/on. On the other hand...my goal with PMT is not to trust the other person, but to work with my own body and feel the signals and learn to interpret them. That's hard enough for me as it is, and I kind of feel that it's a bit too much if at the same time I have things to work on with her.
My PMT-therapist thinks that there are parts of the therapy that are too threatening, at least for now. I partly agree. I think it may be more about the therapist, than the therapy. I can't understand why exactly, but I have a lot more problems with female therapists in this area than with men.
I mean: I understand my issues with women, but it's not like I have no issues with men, so it would make more sense to me if I had the same problems with both. I suppose that's just the way it is, I don't think analyzing it completely helps much. There's a difference, and to know into detail why... there's no point. Sometimes it's enough to just feel what you feel, right?
(which is a big thing for me to be able to do. Instead of wanting to understand it completely, just being able to say: ok, so that's how it is. What can I do with this conclusion/feeling? Is it important to do something with it, or can I just accept it? )

One of the reasons I decided to finally take action is looking back at my past few months and knowing that in a month I'm starting my traineeship. There's too much risk that my HV will start to be to big of a problem. It's better to prevent that as much as possible, instead of waiting to see what happens. I kind of already know what will happen, so let's see if we can do something else instead.
I should have done this a long time ago, but I suppose that I never had enough 'reason'. Why would I? I didn't have a job, I didn't study, I could stay in bed all day if I wanted to.
Now I have enough reasons.
And it's nice to see that I can let go of what I should have done. I didn't back then, I can't change that. I am doing it now and that's what counts.

Me and kitty are still good friends! A few days ago she was kneeding my leg (ouch ) and when I looked at her, I saw this big drip of drool coming out of her mouth. I read that some cats have that when they're so comfortable and happy that this happens. They apparently 'forget' their mouths are open and they have to swallow and stuff
So even when it looked a bit disgusting, I should see this as a compliment and a very good sign
She's such a cutie!


So, things have cleared up 'a bit'.