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Yay guys! I hope it works for you like it's worked for me. Ye G, it's an acquired taste... but keep it up for 2 weeks and see what you think.

for Mys: thanks for the heads up on iron overload, I looked it up. It's pretty serious. I use about a teaspoon in a cup and have 3 cups a day. Sometimes more though which I shall stop doing just in case, but I don't think it'll be a problem. I'm anemic already so I don't think I have to worry about overloading any time soon. But I'll keep an eye on my amounts. Ta very much. And it's not blackstrap, just regular sweet molasses.

I sent out an email application for a cool job yesterday. I haven't heard back yet though. It's on a mobile mammography truck that goes out to poor areas and does free mammogram screenings. The job would be going along on the truck and taking patient info and doing the admin. Cool huh? So do the pray/chant/dance thing for me?

Guys... I had such a bad night... so much crying...

I shared in my relapse prevention group about feeling frustrated and stuck and kinda guilty that I have it so easy with my dad's support while all my housemates are struggling so badly financially. And that I don't know where else to look for work or what else I can do. And I left feeling like a lazy spoiled dependent daddy's girl. Not their words but that's what I took from it. They really grilled me. The one guy said, "You've been looking for work since I met you, what's wrong with you? What's the problem?" He said "What do you DO all day?" insinuating that I sit on my ass living it up. And maybe I do. Maybe it's true. I could be doing more to find work.
They said my dad's support is enabling me to take it easy and be so selective with work, instead of grabbing a waitressing job or something and getting at least some income. I should be contacting magazines and newspapers and events companies... and when I said I don't have the right equipment yet to do professional jobs, and that I'm waiting for a lot of money I'm owed to invest in it, they said I'm just making excuses. Isn't that a valid excuse???? I don't know. Maybe not. The counselor even agreed. She said I'm so used to being this "helpless little waif" (her words) that I dont try hard enough to get what I say all the time that I want.

But on the other side I had my own counselor tell me I need to take my time with work and use this time to grow in recovery. So I don't know what's right. I really don't know. Is it so wrong to want my work to be in my field of skill or at least my field of interest? To not want to take a job, at this stage of my life, where I work my ass off in some restaurant for no money? Maybe it is. Maybe I am spoiled. I feel like a waste and a failure.

So... when I got home I sent out a lot of firm emails chasing up the money that I'm owed. I sent a mail asking the writer of the article that's coming out on me and my work if he could put my website address at the end of the article. I asked my mate who designed my website if she could help me get it up and running soon because I need to showcase my work now that I'm handing out business cards. I even translated a letter into French online to email to the French newspaper who has owed me 4K since March. I don't know why I never thought of online translation before... idiot

So I guess that's a start. What to do next, I'm not sure. Monday I think I'll take my CV to all the photo lab chains that I know. I wanted to do that this week but I somehow never did. Lazy. Irresponsible.

Ug I feel so crap. And talking to F last night wasn;t any help (yes Mys he's moved in) because his tyre burst and I had to pick him up in the middle of the night. So he's quite distraught. He has his own problems. I have so much to do today, I'm not sure how I'll get through it all. Somehow.

Ok. So that's all down. I gotta go pick up my new driver's license. Thanks for listening guys

Ye, you have points G. I'm not sitting around doing nothing though. I'm doing volunteer photography which builds my portfolio and am part of this project in the township which will go to exhibition. I'm getting my stuff onto public forums, updating my website, and am in discussion about working with another photographer who is starting his own product photography business.
Plus, I'd rather be available for the one job that pays me 200 euros for a days work (like the German Paper job 2 weeks ago) and adds to my resume, than earn the same in a month of pointless work that gives me no valuable experience. Maybe it's the wrong attitude to have. But it sort of makes sense to me.

Anyway, the position on the Mammography Truck has been filled. I chased it up and got that as a reply. And my contact at Food and Trees for Africa doesn't want me because I have no project management experience. That got me really down. Everywhere wants experience but no one will GIVE you the freaking experience!!!

Like I said though, I met with someone today who wants to start his own photography business and wanted to chat to me about coming on board as a kind of assistant to him. At first. Then as I learn I can maybe start taking on my own clients. It'll take a long long time to get off the ground though. I'm going with him on a shoot tomorrow of office furniture to see how he works.

Ug. Sigh. So I wait for the grant money to get the equipment I need (been emailing furiously about that) and I start pushing the contacts I'll hopefully get from a girl in the group on Thursday. I'm doing a shoot for Magical Moments on Thursday too (the volunteer thing). I'm proposing doing a photo story on the charity to publish in the social consciousness mag I have a contact at. In exchange for stories you get to advertise in the mag.

So lots of stuff. Just no income from any of it. Hence the CV run to photo labs next week. I can feel myself wanting to get even more despondent but I'm fighting it as much as I can. Every avenue I go down seems to end in a dead end. But I know that's how it works. You have to go through those 99 failures to get to the success on the hundredth try.

Sad and low are creeping in. Creeping... creeping...

Ok guys, heh, I get you
I'll be looking for something part-time, because of the project I'm part of (we have weekly workshops and crits) and also so that I might still be able to take up newspaper offers when they come. I'm playing with the idea of seeking an internship at a paper or magazine. I'm not sure how to go about that. But also I'll hopefully be getting a list of contacts from someone in the group on Thursday which I will definitely follow up. Stay motivated wreds...

Sorry Mys, I forgot about your dating site suggestion. Erm... no, not my thing. But thank you.

I got one of my tats re-done yesterday. It's one that I got for my closest friends when I was living in the UK and missing them. I messed it up with cutting, so it was all mis-aligned by the scars and stitch marks. I've been wanting to fix this tat for 2 years. I'm so happy and thankful. My friend re-did the whole thing for free. He said to consider it a thank you for me listening to his relationship problems and giving him a book on EDs to help him understand his girlfriend who is in the grip of anorexia.
It's so sad. I see myself a couple years back in her. I feel for her and I am so impressed by him for standing by her and trying to understand. It's putting so much pressure on them though, because she doesn't want to get better. She's resigned herself to it and that's a scary and dangerous place to be.

I went with a photographer I know to a shoot of his yesterday. He photographs a lot of office furniture for company websites and catalogues. It was pretty interesting. Something I could definitely do. It's basically just balanced light and detail. Though the post-production would be a lot of work but I know a little about product photography and I can learn pretty fast. He's really driven to set up himself as his own business and have me on board as an assistant and to learn how to do what he does. He's very keen to teach me. So there could be a future there. It'll take time for him to get established. So I'm still going to job hunt in the meantime.

I'm trying so hard to keep believeing that something right for me is coming. But I remain grateful for all the things that have already happend. And thanks you guys for walking through this stuff with me.

Thanks C

Oh SO much more forward progress! I took my CV and great cover letters to 2 different photo labs, got an application form at one (already filled out) and the manager's name at another branch to take it to which I'll do later this week. GE got me the email for one of the managers of a huge chain bookstore. He says to send a CV and motivational letter and he's sure he can sort something out. Wrote a stellar email to the job contact at Greenpeace Africa (they've only just come to SA) applying for a job as a face-to-face fundraiser which they have an ad for on their website and which I've done before. Going with the photographer on another shoot on Friday. Got on the phone and followed up two payments I'm owed. AND filling in for M (old housemate) at her job for 5 days next week - making coffee and answering the phones - which I'll get paid for.

Can we get a little shake shake in here? I think so.... (we need an emoti doing the hammertime. it's really a hammer moment)

Now the sad news. CE went back into hospital yesterday for depression to wait on admission back to the psych hospital. She'll probably loose her job since she's been off work more than she's been there in the last year and a half.

But more good news. GE's dogs are now fenced into the back yard (wooooo!) and she has gotten a pile of extra work and L started a temporary PA job this week. So maybe things are stabilizing in this wack little house of ours. I also had a great session with my old counselor who is still not back in her practice but who wants to check in with me once a month. We spoke about how, when I was 18, I missioned off and did the independent adult thing, and how it landed me in illness, depression, addiction and failure. And how maybe, subconsciously, I'm afraid to stand up again in case I still can't hack it and I get sick again. Very interesting.

Also how passivity and being walked all over is pretty much learned behavior. My dad's generosity and gentleness has taught me to be the same. I've never seen him get angry. He can do it in a strongly worded email to the council about a water leak outside our house, but he told me how he planned to smooth things over with GE about the rent and I found myself insisting that he put his foot down. Though, when I sat and spoke to her, everything I planned to say that was assertive went totally out the window

It's messed up man. It's gonna take soooo much practice to confront people. I started easy by telling F that everyday after he leaves the house I go into his room and turn off either his lights or his heater. But even that was hard. I feel pretty pathetic, stuck in this "keep everyone sweet and liking me" bull, but at least I'm painfully aware of it now and I can start to really change it. Gawd. Big job. Biiiiiiiigggg job.

Whew. Not bad for 3:41am.

Mwah! Love you guys.