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My GP just ringed me an hour ago, she already had one result back.
Guess what? I have hyperthyriodism.

Which suprised her, because it was normal 6 months ago and I believe 1 month ago as well... But, this can indeed cause my legpains. And my high pulse (nearly doubled up to 90 even in bed), my higher temp, my lasting hunger....

I have to go to a specialist, but I don't know when yet. She didn't have other results yet, just this one.

But at least SOMEthing that explains it and it's not even something I can actually help. (or so I think....)

wredsky wrote:

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Hey an actual result! Good stuff rain, I hope the specialist can do something. Good luck dahlin xxxxx

Unbelievable, eh?

Though S. and I have stopped our contact, I decided to give it a go and call her. Since most of my latest problems seemed to be starting just after tapering off Cymbalta, I wanted to ask her if she had heard of something likewise.
She hasn't. Also said that hypothyriodism as a side-effect does happen but very, very rarely. This came up, because I figured my thyroid may have worked harder but stayed within normal limits due to effects of Cymbalta that can actually slow down the thyroid. She said that she didn't think so.
However, I found that sometimes AD's are given to do just that: slow down the thyroid

I haven't found anything about hyperthyroidism after quitting AD/Cymbalta so I suppose... I'm either the first, or I'm wrong

Oh my gosh! A few days ago I asked on a forum if someone had experiences with a drawing-course via 'homestudying'.
Everyone said: don't do it, it's not worth your money.

But today I got a mail from someone who never used her course (including some pencils and things like that) and tells me I can just get it for free!
It's a 500$ course! That is so nice!
I'm off now to pick it up

And I'm back, it was actually a nice evening. I didn't know her at all, and she hasn't posted on that forum much (at all to be honest, not on that part anyway), but it didn't really make any difference. I have the course now, and some material. I'm a little tired now, so I'm off to bed.
Going into town with my friend V. tomorrow, which is nice :-)

Trying to get a bit more structure, sleepwise. No more long sleeping, 9 am at it's latest. I hope it makes a difference, it seems to be so for the past 3 nights, so that's good.

Sheesh, I still can't believe someone just gave this course away!

My brainzaps are as good as over. So is my nausea. I'm so glad I didn't give up quitting (lol), but sticked to my decision. A few days ago, I would have experienced heavy zaps right now (being tired and all), but that's just gone.
G. and I have started 'real' therapy, which was hard the past few days, but also good to be able to do. I don't want to make it all away with SI, even if it's quite hard at times. But I feel that it's worth it. I know that if I'd SI, I'd undermine my process, as it makes all the emotions go away. And I know that's just not the way to go.

On my way back home tonight my mind drifted off a little to the summer of 2006. I just couldn't believe how bad I was doing back then, compared to now. I'm just really happy (and proud) to see myself right now. It's not always easy, especially at the moments where all the pain comes out, but that's okay. I'll be okay, in the end. I can do this. I can go through the pain and anger and heal myself.

(which is no guarantee I won't post a kind of desperate post at times but I think it's important to feel the above and I just wanted a reminder for the times when I think: why did I ever make this decision....)

Thanks Guru


Well...last night was a little... yikes. I'm waiting for my GP to call, to ask her if a beta blocker is an option for the moment. My pulse yesterday was so high (for me) and stayed up for so long that I'm considering my Bed on Call for tonight. Not so much the pulse itself is the problem, but the result. I hadn't slept the night before (just couldn't...) and that may have resulted in quite heavy sort-of-hallucinating. Together with this pulse.... I really thought that an admittance wouldn't even be far away if this got a hold on me.
It was bad. Even with a diazepam, it was bad. That thing didn't help at all, my pulse remained between 90-100 and my brain just seemed to be doing what it wanted.
I'm going to see how I feel the next few hours, but the balance yes/no regarding my BoC is about 65% yes/35% no. The BoC can't make this go away, but at least I wouldn't be alone.

But, let's see what B. (GP) says. (high pulse can be due to hyperthyroidism and thus a high pulse won't respind to a valium. More likely is a beta blocker. So I'll give that a shot. Asking for it, that is.)

I'm not in a bad mood by the way. It doesn't completely make up my day, what happened last night, but it's good to take precautions anyway.
One good thing I did was keeping to my decision to quit the sleeping in every day and get up at 9am at its latest, even when I wanted to sleep more. But that would have meant sleeping for 15 hours or so, since I went to bed at 8:15 pm last night. 12 hours was more than enough. Normally my day would start at about noon. That's what I want to change. I've been doing well for a whole week now and I think this is a good step.
Plus it gives me more hours for my study + study-free time.

Edit: my GP said betablockers are a good option. Not the 40mg ones, but 10mg, if it didn't work, I could take another one. The reason is mainly because it can cause low BP. And that's something I don't really need

Wow... that's a little too early for me Getting up that early has never worked well for me, but this is good compromise I think.
What I do like in getting up that early (but that's only when the weather is better...) is taking a walk. Everything quiet, seeing the sunrise and seeing a form of mist in the fields (I live just begind a river with a dike and a few metres of grass and sometimes it's really really pretty!). Me likes

No, both beds were occupied.... that's the whole problem with this construction: when this happens, it's up to you to deal with it. No bed? Too bad... find a way.
G. wasn't there anymore either, so I was a little stuck with myself. I nearly called my GP but I figured there wouldn't be a point in that. She can't do anything either and it feels really manipulative to arrange for something else through her.

The night went ok though But my mind's still pretty fixed on SI at the moment. It's almost completely in my system, like all my cells are screaming to do it. Except the few healthier ones. I hate feeling this way, but I have to say strong. It's not about therapy anymore by the way. This urge to SI has been here for 3 months again, so it's not a new urge that came up after therapy.
But that doesn't make it OK of course.
Thing is, the BoC won't make a difference in this either. It's only a way to NOT do it at that moment, but the urge doesn't go away. Which in turn makes me decide not to call them for a bed. Tuesday was different, because there was something else going on.

Anyway, off to study again, and get myself ready later on for a diner with my parents and some former colleagues. My dad sort of retired, and he can have a diner with a few people, so that's going to be nice I think
Tomorrow dentist (yikes...) and then off to a friend to mess a little with paint and stuff. She has the material and invited me to try and see what I like in this. I have a few drawings already that I can't say are completely crap at least for starters.
I'm waiting for my books to arrive that I ordered, I hope that the feeling I have now ("this is a hobby I like") will last. If not, well... too bad, but at least it didn't cost me huge amounts of money, thanks to this free course that I got. LOL, I'm still so happy about that!

I also hope to find out WHO on earth rang my doorbell at midnight last night... Man. Talking about a racing heart. I hope it wasn't an emergency or anything, but I know it was someone in this building as I heard him go up the stairs when I didn't open the door.
That sure wasn't fun at all

Shoot. It's been nearly 2 years, but tonight I'm using my BoC. I'm not in the best mood. I'm not depressed, but I can't take a lot of stimuli such as sounds.
My flatneighbours are going to have a party tonight and I kind of freaked when I read their note.

I fell flat on my face, SI-wise, last week, and I'm in a lot of pain. Own fault, I know, but it's really getting to me. I burned my ankle nearly all way around. though that doesn't hurt per se, I have a lot of waterretention in my foot, just below my ankle and nearly all the way to my toes.
Even though I know I have to keep it in a high position, that just doesn't work well. When I stand up, it hurts so much, it's nearly more tolerable to keep it down as much as possible even if my foot swells up. I'm using crutches at the moment for the moments I get up after sitting down for a while, because that's the only way I can move at that moment, for about 5-10 minutes

Luckily the pain overall is less, the first two days I needed morfine for the pain, which didn't even work but give me faintingspells and did nothing for the pain itself. It's better now, apart from when I keep it down too long or take a new position with my leg. But that's understandable. I just hope the water will go away soon enough, it's been longer than usual after a wound. Of course, the place itself doesn't help.

On Monday I have to be at the specialist for my possible thyroidproblem and my ankle, I'm nervous about both. Together with a slight feeling of flu in the background, the pain and my non-tolerance of noises and sounds outside my control, I decided to give it a shot and see if there was a bed. There is, and I'm going there tonight.
I'll have diner at home, I'm taking some homework and drawingstuff with me and some comics. I'm not sure if I'm staying until Mondaymorning, but chances are quite big that I will.
At least I won't be too bored that way.

Gosh, I feel stupid
It's not because of my therapysession with G. This has been going on for months now and the past few weeks were getting worse. I chose for this option after having extreme dizziness spells for more than a week. They weren't due to Cymbaltaquitting, they felt due to stress entirely.
It's a bad choice I made, but at least it was a thorough decision. It sounds a bit weird, I know, but it was. It wasn't an impulse, I prepared "well" for it.

Last Thursday I got a phonecall that my therapysession with G. will be cancelled and that the first new appt would be the 25th when there was one planned already. G's agenda was full, they said. I mailed G. and told him I didn't feel happy about that, since last session wasn't easy and 5 weeks felt a bit long. I knew it wasn't anything he could help, but at least I told him how I felt about it.
And glad I did, not only did he feel the same about the time in between, but also did he offer me a half hour after having 'cleaned up' his agenda. There was a tiny spot, 15 minutes shorter than normal, but I took it anyway. It's better than nothing.

So there.

Hey wredsky,

Actually, I don't think there was much behind the SI, other than this addictive feeling. Feeling the 'rush' it creates. Or could create... kind of like a drugaddiction I suppose
I've read that people who are depressed and/or traumatized for example have lower painthresholds, and their body doesn't make enough natural painkillers. Going into a dangerous situation or hurting yourself causes the painkillers to increase, due to endorfines that are released. When the effect wears out, the old, 'painstate' comes back, creating a circle.
Ofcourse running or something gives the same chemicalrelease, but that's just not going to happen soon. Muscles are still not reliable, nor is my dizziness
I do think that in the end this is the way to go, and that the dizziness was also a big stresssignal, so I suppose that if I start at a more quiet time, I'd benefit more from it.

But first my ankle should heal. Which is going weird. The hospital says it looks well, that crustforming is good and that it can be taped with just bandage. No moist bandage, just dry stuff.
The thing is; the crust they think is a good sign is the 'dead' crust. This has been there from the beginning, but looked 'worse' due to the cream that was put on it. It looked wet and yellowish. Thing is, from Thursday on they started with this dry bandage stuff. So the skin got dried up/out. The yellowish wound simply dried up and got brownish. They say: now it's healing. No, it's not. Darn it. They simply don't listen.
A part of it has gotten loose yesterday, and the doc said: "here there's still a wet spot, but the rest looks well, so just continue to put this on" Dry bandage, that is.
That however means it sticks to the wound. It did yesterday when it got a little soaked and I wanted to see what it looked like. It caused skin to release, so there's now a more open wound, with still old crust.
I decided to go t my GP instead (I don't have to be at the hospital anymore, since they think it's nearly healed or healing very well....) and the assistant was a little shocked at the hospitals decision to use only bandages and no fatty tissues. Yeah, tell me about it Another stupid thing was that using the cream, especially for burns, has to be changed preferably every day or at least every other day. My bandage had to stay on for 5 days, with no change. That's really not healthy, and I really wonder what they were thinking
But, she too didn't see the right perspective: crust is good. Noho...THIS one isn't. I'm at the point of asking for a second opinion at a burn centre, but that's a little far away and I'm not able to take a good look right now, so I just can't say if the part where the skin is now off is healing.
If my GP sees it on Friday, I hope to be able to see it better and make my decision.

My thyroid stuff may be just an inflammation, which could heal by itself. There has been a bloodtest again and within now and two weeks I'll get a scan of my thyroid. Then in two weeks I'll get the results. So then we'll see what that is. For now my thyroid seemed to be enlarged a little bit, which could fit perfectly into thyroiditis.
I hope this is the cause, I may not need meds then, depending on what the thryoid does next. It could be that it'll start working too slow, then I'll need meds for the rest of my life (if it doesn't pass).
But again, we'll see, I can only wait.

Thanks Mys

My ankle is better now, at least the part about walking. My GP gave me DuoDerm to put on the wound as there's still old skin. But I have only some pain once in a while, which is so much better than a week ago. The assistant was as angry as I was about the hospital's treatment: dry bandage on a burnwound... she just kept shaking her head
I know that this should be the final thing. That the pain should be the drop, so to speak. Maybe it is, I can only do my best and work hard on not doing it again.
APart from that I have to keep an eye on it, the burncenter told me that it should heal in two weeks/start to heal, if not, I should get a sec. opinion there. There's too much risk of hypertrophy and impaired movement if it takes longer. Tomorrow is two weeks and I still have old skin... so depending on the next few days, I "give my GP the finger" and call for a second opinion. I 'give her the finger' figuratively speaking: she wants to put some honey ointment on it, and she said I didn't have a choice. Too bad for her, but there's not a chance that's going on my ankle. That hurts SO much, and I'm done with the pain now.
She made a little joke out of it, but I was pretty serious really when I said that I wouldn't come by in that case. I did say it as a joke, but I did mean it.
That stuff is like putting a new kind of burning material onto an open wound. No way she's putting that on. The assistant kind of understands that, so with a bit of luck...


Studywise: I passed my first exams! I got the results today, and that's good news!