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Hiya... Yep, I'm happy about the jobs

My ankle is just fine wreds

My thoughts are a little different though.
Got my thyroidresults back and well as I kind of feared: they can't say what will happen. It's silent thyroiditis, whicjh I kind of expected already after some reading. My symptoms fitted perfectly.
But, the thing is: the doc can't say how it evolves. Most people recover fully, but there's also a group that remain hypothyroid forever. It may also be that the hypothyroidism is transient... there's just no way to tell. This means that I have to get my blood checked every 3-4 weeks. Which in itself is a good thing: at least they'll keep an eye on it.
I forgot to ask how long they'll check up: the prognosis differ from 4-6 months (according to doc), up to a year (according to other sources, which are fairly reliable to trust). I know: I can always get my GP to check if the specialist says it's all done after 6 months.
But, when do they start to count? From my first positive bloodresults in Jan? Of from the moment I got symptoms, which is somewhere in November? Or so?
I should ask when I have my next appointment (over the phone) with the nurse for my bloodresults. That's about 4 weeks from now.

But in the meantime, I'm freaking about my weight, mostly. Sigh. I had to weigh myself there, but I asked not to see. Doc was OK with that, but the nurse made a gesture, suggesting I gained weight, as the doc said so. ("Ah I see already.." and then the nurse probably wrote it down or so, since he said: "ah! you've gained weight! Well thát's good!"
No it's not.... last time I weighed, was two weeks ago, I had already gained since dropping. Now I kind of made up from the docs tone of voice it was quite a bit of weight. It has to be: the scale has a needle and isn't as accurate in that sense as a digital one.
I wish he hadn't told me. I SAID I didn't want to know. I really didn't.

I can't get it out of my had that if my thyroid's still working too fast (which it is, but not as much as three weeks before the last test) and I've already gained this much, who says I won't gain weight almost each meal (so to speak) when my thyroid starts to work too slow?
Who says that in a month I haven't gained 20 pounds?
The doc probably won't do much about that. Wait until that thing starts to work normally maybe...

I know, I know... it's all a little on the extreme side, but still... when my thyroid;'s working too fast, I shouldn't be gainiing weight. At all. But I am. So what happens when it starts to work normally or even not as good as it should?

I thought I could handle this stuff. Weight, that is.
But it turns out, I'm not that good with it. I am if I'm in control. But, I'm not. And I hate it that I have no control over this.
It's nearly ironic: not only I attack my own body, but my body does so itselve. (silent thyroiditis is auto-immune, unlike a viral infection. It's more like Hashimoto's disease. in fact, it's a subvariety. It's rare in 'normal' people. Only 10-15 people out of 100.000 (0.1%) get it. And if this type occurs it's usually after giving birth.
I'm certainly a rare case.... It may be by the way that I do have hashimoto, only time seems to be able to tell in the end.
If so, it may still not be clear whether I'll need meds or not.

So with the results, I still have nothing to go on. I hate that. I hate having to wait for another 4 weeks again. I hate having to wait and see for the next coming months having no way to do something about it. I hate the fear of gaining weight uncontrollably.
I don'twant to spend money on a new wardrobe, that's not what my savings are for. (yeah Rain, that's a very good argument...)

Also, it feels as if I'm retaing water in my stomach. My bowels and stomach are just... big again and it's not air, it's not constipation (heck I've seen my loo 4 times to day...). I don't know what it is, but it's visible and it's something I can miss for sure. Things were just well on that front, let it go back that way..

I know I've been stressed the past week so that may play a role. Yet... I don't know. I hate these stupid weight-thoughts.
It's been a while, but I want to be skinny. Fall apart, weightwise. I don't want the body I have now, the one that's doing everything it can to 'show me' who's boss.
It's not me. Obviously. It never was and it never will be.

Hiya Mys (I had the wrong emoticon all these days )

Thanks for your post

I've already calmed down a lot actually. I realized that it's not so much this thyroid itself that caused my panic. It's more than that. I started writing replies for another forum and I started to see why I freaked. yeah, it's about control. It definitely is. That's one thing. My body haas done stuff like this before. Giving wrong reactions in some nasty situations. I only have to mention: r*pe, the GP 2 years ago who got frustrated over the fact that I couldn't relax 'down there'and forced herself into my body, this thing with the ambulance where they left me when I was in a physical shock, the countless discussions with nurses and doc over the fact that their instruments didn't show any bladder retention. No heavy anemia. No weird BP.
No control. Not being believed, not being taken seriously. Fear of what will happen in 6 months in case the bloodresults aren't completely OK. Will they leave it at that? Will they watch and see, if I'd gain weight rapidly? Even with my background? Will they wait? Will they?
That's the uncertainty I struggled with. The non-faith in the medical staff, AND my body.

I talked to some people last night, and I decided to call the nurse today, just to ask when they WILL give me meds. She wasn't there though, she will be next week, but by now I kind of figure there's no point really. There's nothing she can say about it.
The thing is: this type of illness should get better on its own. It does, in some part of the cases. But not always. It should get better within 4-6 months, the doc says. Some say a year. in any case: sooner than after 6 months it's quite unlikely something will be done. Mainly because they can either slow down the thyroid OR give thyroidsubstitutiontherapy. Or both. But since my thyroid is still in the acute phase, there's nothing they can do. The risks of destroying the thyroid or messing even more with the function is too big at this point.
Slowing it down (which according to my bloodtest should be the way to go now) isn't smart as it has already calmed down a lot. Let's say that on a scale of 10, where 0 is it doesn't work at all up to 10 where it works way,way too fast and a 5 is what it should be, my first test in Jan. showed a 9. Now it's probably more a 6,5.
I wouldn't know exactly as I didn't ask for the results. It doesn't make me any more certain if I did.
There's a chance things will temporarily slow down to 3-2, maybe more... but, that phase shouldn't last for more than 2-3months. They say. With some bad luck I will gain a lot that period of time.
But, it's not even sure this will happen. It may as well be that the thyroidfunction settles at 5 all by itself.

So that's the main reason they can't and won't do anything. I suppose that if the upcoming test shows that my thyroid is really not working at all, maybe they'll give some meds. I don't know. It may also be that they wait until the second test, which I think is more likely to happen, but that's just the one thing I may still want to ask. I decided to ask this question when I have a new appointment, over the phone. That's early enough I suppose, as at this point - what can she say? There's only ifs and buts and what ifs etc, no real results to go on.

Anyway, realizing why I reacted the way I did yesterday is good. I realize I kind of blew things out of proportion. It's good to see what happened and why, but what happened in the past is something to deal with in therapy, not something to make myself crazy with the next few weeks. You know? Of course it interferes. But there's a limit as to what is still 'OK' and what isn't.
My reaction yesterday wasn't. I mean it happened. And that's OK too.
But now, when I can see that by collecting old memories and old events and applying them to the situation here and now, I can choose a different way of dealing. I can still freak if I want to and I won't kid myself: I probably will every now and then. The main reason then will be my weight. Probably
Fear of becoming obese again. Which I have been during my teens. Back then the reason was different, controllable in a way. At least for me, though I know that it's not as simple as I now say it is. (trust me, I know...).
now, no control. I can stop eating and still gain weight. It's possible. Therefore it's also of no use to do strange things with my food
My specialist knows by the way, that I 'had something like anorexia'. (his words, not mine. I replied that I had 'fulltime anorexia' 9 years ago. So he knows. He also knows I was a little startled about my weightgain, because he was all happy and I said I didn't share the joy I suppose it's good he knows, it may make a difference in the way to go if my weight goes up. I don't trust that it will, considering what I said about treatment and stuff. But, well. He knows. )
But, it's also possible that none of this happens. However, I tend to forget that
My scenarios are all twister, volcanoes, earthquakes and tsunami's. Then again: it may be one with me on a beautiful beach, a cocktail in a coconut, a handsome man standing behind me with a fan (or rather in front of me so I can enjoy the view ) and lots of colourful flowers.

At least it's not affecting my chemistry-handling abilities. My teacher said I've understood the material really well and I've done really well too. So yeah
Next week I start my first volunteerjob. Looking forward to it!

@bunny66: I suppose you're right about joy still being present. My volunteerwork does give me energy, I like it (so far ) and my search for an internship is a positive factor too.
About the employer: the reason turned out to be economical. They have an uncertain position marketwise, and can't afford me. Their solution was this 3months-trial and see if their financial issues would be better by then. I understand their idea behind it, but this isn't according to the law. This trial-period is meant to find out if the job suits me, if I can handle it, if I'm at the right spot. They have to sign a form saying they will hire me after those 3 months IF I can handle the job.
However, this is not what they wanted to arrange. They said: "if the market out there goes up again, we do have the intention of hiring you." Erm... So my gut feeling was right. They have some work, but can't afford someone to do that. I'd be a great way of getting work done and not having to pay for it. (and receive benefits too from the government....)
I told them no. Not only do I feel used, but I can't do something that feels like fraude. Because that's what it is, really.
If after 3 months or so from now the economical situation improves (which we all know won't happen so quickly), then come back and we'll talk again.

The thing is that it won't be a good item on my resume. What do I have to say if they won't give me a job after 3months? Then I have to say that this trialthing didn't work out. How positive is that for an other employer? He/she only sees: oh my... 4 hours a week, and that didn't lead to a job, she couldn't handle that obviously...
The other solutiojn would be telling the truth: Oh yeah I knew this employer did something against the law, I went along with that... Now what would they think of me then? Someone who doesn't make a big problem of bending rules and lying etc.
Besides, my contactperson at DB already kind of knew that something wasn't right when I contacted him, he would never agree with this construction anyway.

I'd rather work more hours at my volunteerjob and look for more work in that area or look for other jobs anyway. My world doesn't really end with this employer. It's too bad, it really is, but that's all.

My orientation was OK. I know that an internship at the hospital won't happen, at least not as my first internship. You must have good knowledge of meds, and a normal pharmacy is the first place to be. Prescriptions are usually much smaller and easier, so you get the hang of it. After a while maybe you're good enough to work at a hospital.
Also, making medication isn't really happening at a hospital anymore either. It's more getting meds and putting them in the right box than making solutions, ointments etc. That does have to be done, but it's either production of meds, or distribution (putting them in the right box for the right patient)
I think working at a normal pharmacy is much nicer then.Contact with people, advising them etc.
But I did get the chance to be there for one or two days and see everything as it is. Not just explained in words, but seeing the process. That's at the end of March, so that's like a whole day of working Maybe I also get to see the production for a day, but the person responsible for that part wasn't there. He will be at the end of March and I can ask him then if I can see how that goes as well.

So far the 'better' news. Not so good news is my mood. I kind of crashed last week, and is still going on this week. I had to see my GP last Friday, she wanted to make a normal appointment with me this time after treating my wound. She wants to know what's going on. Thing is that I can tell her, but what can she do?She already told me there's not much for her to 'do' with me anymore. Yeah, I know that? I didn't ask her for a normal appointment.
I figure she'll want me to start meds again. I refuse. First of all, it's not even sure why I'm feeling this way now. It may be a thyroid-problem. AD won't help with that. It could also be that I had too much stress about last week. My volunteerjob, the orientation, my day for my study (communication skills in practice) was giving me a lot of stress. Flashbacks about the ambulance, flashbacks about something I'm not sure happened when I was younger but did feel awfully true when I was 'in' the flashback.
That happend last week at the weekend, and after that things went downhill. So I suppose that there were so many things going on, that it was a bit too much.
My GP tells me 'to look at all the positive things' when I feel bad.
But I don't think she understands what it means when I feel bad. I'm not talking about the usual 'oh I feel a little down and everything goes wrong...'. I'm talking about some pretty nasty, sickmaking, re-living experiences that are a bit beyond 'feeling bad'. It's no excuse, of course. But I kind of feel she thinks a bit lightly about it.
I'm not SI-ing when there's something off. When I feel a little down. There must be a lot, or such heavy stress that I see no way out.
I'm working at that, even if she doesn't really see it that way. I understand her, I do. I also know that what I do is not mature. But..oh I don't know.
I have my appt on Friday, I hope I can tell her what was going on. What is going on. I wrote it down.
She doesn't have to solve it, I just want her to know. My therapist says 'well yeah, what you have to do is accept it." That's what he says literally. G.
It does come down to that. But in that case I might as well quit therapy. If I have to figure it out by myself anyway, what's the whole point of talking about it with G.?
I'm still not completely satisfied with therapy. I may ask for EMDR, mainly to deal with my ambulance-thing.
It's getting a bit out of hand, that. So I suppose it's time to really work that out.

Thanks Mys and wreds....

re your question wredsky, no I'm not on antipsychotics, nor do I doubt I will. Not only because I don't want to, but my new shrink has refererred me back to my GP. Suggesting that meds in my situation won't help much anyway. (according to my history with it)
I should stick to the Cymbalta and that's really it. Simple meds (like AD) can be given by my GP. She on the other hand wants that to be done by a psych doc

Part of my crisisplan was diazepam. New shrink refuses to prescribe. Using arguments from statistics, he is against them. Now that's just great. I don't use them much, but they are my crisismeds, my step before the BoC. Now I have to change my whole crisisplan, but with what benefits? If I now crash due to stress I have nothing to rely on.
My GP also doesn't want to give me benzos. Last time she said that the responsibility for that stuff lies with my psych doc. But this new one doesn't prescribe this. Ever.
It's Cymbalta or nothing.

My probs are because I hate myself, he says. Because I don't think I deserve anything.
Yet, being in therapy means I first have to accept that I do deserve good things, he says. Or else we can talk and talk and talk... I've been in therapy for 7 years now and what have I gained? That was partly a true question, partly it felt like an accusation.
I can't understand a thing anymore. I'm not depressed, in the true sense of the word. I only have to be nicer to myself. Be happy, be less obsessed with my physical problems, look at the bright things. Ha. I don't see those a lot lately, but that's because I don't let myself.

It seems that G.'s inability to help me is due to my behaviour in therapy. I give signals that he can't interpret well, and are confusing and he doesn't know what to do anymore. So I have to accept that it is how it is. Because HE doesn't know what to say or do? because, according to my shrink I am the director of my own therapy?

The only 'good' thing that seemed to come from this talk was that there probably will be an intake for trauma-related therapy. It's not a guarantee I'll get the therapy, but at least I feel I'm being listened to in that area.

But apart from that... I'm not happy with today