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Surprisingly, I did very well on this homework, my teacher said that if I don't pass, no one will
Long live Google It didn't give me the specific answer to my problems, but it showed me which steps to follow and how to calculate stuff. Too bad you can't google during the exams ;-)

Today I booked a short week away in a resort in some rural surroundings. I won that prize in December, I was supposed to go with a friend, but somehow we both didn't feel like going for our own reason. Hers was that she just doesn't like being away from home anymore, so she wasn't looking forward to it really. Mine was that just like going to Miami 5 years ago, I want to be able to do what I want and when I want. Since I'm still not fit, I want to be able to stay in the resort instead of going out. Or go out instead of staying there. I don't want to disappoint my friend by not feeling up to much, or the other way around. I know that when I was in Miami it was so nice to be able to change plans according to my moments. I needed to go back to my hotel during lunchtime, because I needed to rest. I wonder how well that goes with someone else. Maybe she'd understand, but holidaywise I'm more of a loner. For now that is. Maybe in the future things will be different.
It was funny though that L. also thought: gosh... i don't really like the idea of this... and I had the same thing, and in the end we ended up mentioning this and we decided to let this pass without further ado. This way no one is disappointed

I quit the Cymbalta: it's strange to see that I sleep less already. I quit 3 days ago, it just wasn't going well. I'm not so much less tired, but something had changed: I feel less scared, less jittery. I remember this from last time, the feelings of being edgy all the time and just anxious. Instead of not, since Cymbalta is also anti-anxiety, but it doesn't work for me. In that area that is. Anyway, it was a little too much taken altogether. The not being able to urinate well, the pains that caused, my stomach and bowels that got worse every day (I'm talking nearly 5 weeks after start), the exhaustion and the sleeping, the weird dreams that got so lively every day that ir wore me out, plus the edginess.
Moodwise I didn't notice anything, and even though some say it lasts up to 6 weeks, with C. it's a little different. Change is noticeable after 2 weeks, and I never felt that.
I'm not done looking for something yet. But not for now, I should make an appt with my GP and discuss things.
I knew this was a risk by the way: getting the same side effects as why I quit last time, but I hoped that with a lower dose it would be OK. I'm not disappointed about it or anything, it was worth a shot to me.

Now, it's about time I go outside and sit in the sun. or better yet: take a walk in the sun

Thank you
I'm doing pretty well right now indeed. I feel that coming of the Cymbalta has given me a bit of a break. I feel calmer in a way and my bladder has gone back to normal too. Getting up isn't freaking me out so much anymore. It's not that I don't experience anxiety, but it's more bearable.

@wreds: I work in a sort of library We don't have books though, we have toys Lots of them, different kinds. From ages 0 (well theoretically ) to 12 or so, and also for mentally handicapped grown ups. There's games, playstations, puzzles, Lego, playmobil, keyboards, other musical instruments, and toys that stimulate children's senses. Make noise, sounds, are challenging balance (which is funny, because sometimes we 'test' them and we can't even stay on our feet )
Counting the parts of a game of toy can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. Parts are described by someone who thinks it's 'a white piece of a door' and the person checking the toy/game sometimes has no clue what 'a white piece of a door' would have to look like. Or you find a piece of a toy and you look at it thinking: now what can THIS be...and you gave to check the list to see what fits best. Can be annoying when the whole toy consists of 40 pieces like that
But mostly it's quite easy or obvious. And as I said, I really enjoy doing this. Maybe I'll sign up for promotional activities as well, or other behind the scenes-stuff. I'll see

My study may indeed be a little problem. I called the 'school' and they started talking as if they were quite annoyed. Saying that I haven't passed exam X yet anyway and officially I can't follow these lessons in October anyway. It doesn't matter that I take the exam in June because "well that's future-talking. We can't be sure that you pass that, so officially (oh how I hate that word) it doesn't matter that the group's full now. Because if you don't pass, you have to wait until March anyway."
And officially they're right. I have nothing to say against that. I can't say: but I will take that exam in June and I think I will pass.
Because no one knows if I will. And even though it's a stupid thing they did with the invitiation for the sessions in the fall, I don't have everything I need yet.
She didn't seem to care that it may mess up my schedule and stuff, which can cost me a bit financially. Luckily, my DB-contactperson said that in cases like this, when it's not my fault, I won't have to worry about it. OK, that's good to know Still I feel annoyed and stressed out.
I'm actually looking to see if a regular school is an option. I've had it with this educational institution. There's more than this that I find bad about it, stuff that I couldn't really have known beforehand. I suppose it's no option, but I have asked a school nearby if it's possible to continue the education there without having to do all my passed exams and subjects again.
With that information, I'll see what I'll do.
The good thing about this all is that the person I talked to yesterday asked me if I shouldn't start looking for a traineeship by now (in a way that didn't sound nice at all). I was so angry that I did just that. The pharmacy I mailed to had no candidates or trainees right now, which is good, because it gives me a head start. I sent her my application and resume, so now it's a matter of waiting if she's interested. Step one has been made. Even if it won't be before 2010, that's not so weird, it's quite common to start finding a traineeship a year before actually starting it.


I haven't called the shrink anymore, I had to talk to G. first anyway. I won't see him before halfway through May, and I can wait, I still have some valium at home so it's no emergency. And even though I'm still not happy with the whole communicationthing between S, my old shrink S. and myself, I suppose that it actually is a good thing that I have to write a new anti-crisisplan. I don't remember it in details, but I do know that the old one doesn't really work anymore, because lots has changed and I could formulate things sharper and better.
These things ( study, shrink) makes me see that I am able to see a good side in things that aren't going the way they should. Or I make something good out of it anyway.
I'm still surprising myself sometimes when I look back at how I'd handle this a few years ago and how I do it now. I get upset, I get angry or frustrated, that's still true. But I can also use those emotions to look further, to take action. It doesn't stop with being angry or disappointed anymore. At least not all the time
I do have my bad days and weeks. But it's still different from before. I still have faith and I still know that those days/weeks will pass.

Hehe, Cladner, I'm glad to see I inspired you to do some cleaning up and buy some flowers I wonder what you'll buy


Now I'm off to get my hair cut, hopefully. Lunchbreak and all, hopefully I won't have to come back, but I'll just have to go out and see

Sorry about school. Maybe another program would be a better fit. Conventional programs can be frustration with all the admin and red tape, but don't let that discourage you if you really want to do something.

Well, for now I may be able to mess around a bit in my schedule. I called the institute to ask if I could get the last mailing with lessons earlier. Since I've already paid for the whole course, that wasn't a problem at all (receptionist even wondered why that hadn't happened anyway ).
So instead of focussing on subjects that are a little pointless at the moment, I focus on different subjects, the subjects that are most important for working in a drugstore.
Another advantage of starting that at this point is that I may be able to strat my traineeship soon. If the institute accepts the fact that I start about a year early and a long time before my exams for the delayed subject. We'll see, first I have an interview next Monday (the 11th that is)
Apart from this shifting around with subjects (long live flexibility ) I got my results back from my last exams and I'm just so surprised and proud I wasn't feeling well at all at the time, I just started having my dizzyspells that came out of nowhere and apart from that, I wasn't very fit. Luckily I didn't have many problems with the exams themselves (I had 3, one was Dutch, one was communication with patient/clients and others in professional situations and the last one was sociology).
I actually scored 90% on Dutch and communication and 100% () on sociology.
Especially Dutch and sociology aren't the most important subjects, but hey, who cares

I think I'll go for yellow tulips.

Cool Did you get them yet?


Wicked proud of you R for getting involved in something like this.

I'm just happy to have found something that I like, I'm actually filling up some empty places every now and then, which makes May and June quite a busy month, but it's OK
Even when last time was a bit chaotic, at least in my head, I made some 'mistakes' or forgot things, knocked over coffee on a game, I think I can let go. I just didn't have my day. It was a day which was... well... just a day I used to cry all day. I wasn't in a good mood to go working, even though I knew it was good to be out and have something else on my mind. But it did interfere when I was working. This is something I need to be aware of, control better. It's not the worst thing in this library, but it will be when I work with medication.


i had surgery this morning so i'm still not 'all there', and i just posted to littlest fairy. i'm a bit done in so...'i'll be baaaaack'...

You.... you 'weird' lady you In your situation I probably wouldn't even post at all, but hey
I read what you wrote there and I have to say that you made me smile & cry at the same time... what you said was very sweet of you. Of course I have to disagree with you about coming from the worst place of anyone here, because I think that everyone has (had) their lowest point and there's just no comparison In fact... I think that I may have had it quite 'easy' compared to others. But, let's not make that a matter of discussion

btw, your post to her helped me to better understand some things about you, too.
You mean, all those years of yes-buuuuuutttttttttttt and related reactions weren't enough?

i smiled often, nodded knowingly occasionally




You know, sometimes things happen that make you think about life. People. Your own life. The world. Society. Well, things like that.
I'm not sure if you heard about it, but last Thursday we celebrated our annual Queens Day here in Holland. The queen would - in honour of her mothers 100th birthday- show up in Apeldoorn, in a bus with her whole family. This would be a special occasion as Beatrix has stopped events like this when she became queen. She does go out in the country every year and visit a ciry or village but not anything big.
This year she did. And this year some freaking idiot has made an assassinationattempt. This man broke through security with his car and in high speed he drove towards the bus with the royal family. He crashed against a monument. Had it been only this, well, it would have been bad enough. But this guy.... my Lord... on his way to the bus he hit at least 13 people. 2 people were pronounced dead at the scene, 5 were severely injured. Of these 5, 4 more died in the next few hours and days. The perpetrator also died a few hours later after stating that he had intended to hurt the royal family. So, this day which has ended in a big tragedy, where 7 people have lost their lives.
The incident was (of course....) filmed and it was just so shocking to hear when the car hit people and to literally see people flying through the air. On one of the movies you hear a woman say in utter shock: "this is a joke, this isn't real". But it was.
I'm still confused about it, just like the woman said. It still feels like a dream, a bad dream and like something that wasn't real. I know that stuff like this happens around the world. Yet, when it happens in your own country, where things like this are not expected... and just... I don't know.
How can people do stuff like this? How could someone just push the gas down and not caring about people getting hurt? He wasn't known as a psychiatric patient, he 'just' lost his job and wasn't allowed to see his kids. He had a whole detailed plan of the route that the bus was following, he had listened to the news stating that the bus had been delayed by 20 minutes before it would pass the crossing/monument. So he was planning it all. How can this be?
Where will this all end? Blah....

Is that obvious enough?
I got the traineeship! Woohoo! I can start in September (because of vacations and stuff in July/August). The only problem is that I have to ask for permission to start earlier than officially allowed. I'm glad the pharmacist already told me she wants to help with that, but it's still a bit uncertain if I can start. It may be I have to wait a bit longer, although the pharmacist also told me that she can adjust the contract (lol). Which means that in reality I start in Sept, but the contract says Oct. Then the hours of Sept will be written down with the hours of October, so the hours are accounted for, but not in the right month. I'm OK with that. It's not totally correct, but the school isn't exactly doing things right either
And it's not like we count more hours than I actually work. I start with 2 days a week, which is really perfect. I can still do the volunteerjob and I don't have to worry too much about not being able to keep up.
This woman sounds like a really nice person (completely the opposite of that guy I applied with last year....) so I'm very positive and motivated about it all!
Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed my school works with me a little, instead of against me (that sounds paranoid, lol, but I know you know what I mean )