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Hehehe woops, I missed the hyperlink and accidentally gave myself a Kudo. But well, why not give myself a kudo

I'm actually surprised about myself. I've been able to feel relaxed, get my breath to the right place and breathe correctly for most of the time
I bought new glasses, two even... took me 1,5 hour to find one that suited me. My head is a bit of a problem with glasses *lol* Near my eyes it's quite small and all the glasses I had on, were just too big. I finally found two -with help from a salesperson- from the kids collection But I like them, so I don't care what collection they're from
But even that woman agreed that my head really is very limited in the kind of glasses that look good on me. No round glasses, not too big sideways, not too big lengthways, it has to have a certain colour, it shouldn't focus attention to my eyebrows... I can assure you that that gives a very small collection
But I found two that I like, so it was worth it. (contacts are irritating my eyes, so that's not a good option )

@Mys: nope... meds are not helping in this, unfortunately. The specialist said there's nothing that can be done about it in women. (hehe, maybe I should consider a transgender suregery )
But well it's something that is OK most of the time, around my period it gets worse but I still don't have to self cath luckily.
Thanks for having so much faith in me regarding my traineeship and all

I did talk to G. about my frustration regarding therapy for this. Apparently it wasn't his what he said. Or meant. The other therapist, E. seemed to have drawn this conclusion because coincidentally he had referred someone else with really specific pelvicfloorissues and that person really had to learn to control/relax that part of her body. I can understand that E. has drawn the conclusion my problem is the same, but it's not and I hope that she understands that. We won't focus on it though, it's more a way of getting in touch with my whole body, get out of my head, be in the here and now, mindfulness and things like that. A therapy that should teach me to be non-judgmental to emotions and physcial sensations I have.
It seems to have a slight effect already, in the sense that I can in fact focus myself on things I'm doing at that specific moment. Like the dishes. Take a walk. Feel my body but not so much 'oh gosh I'm going to faint' but the feeling I have in my feet or legs for example when I walk. I see birds, I see flowers, I see trees. You know? It's something that's kind of new to me. When I told E. this last time (first real session), she asked me if I had known this before. Yeah. I have. When I'm on a benzodiazepine
I feel the same kind of relaxation at these moments. It's so great to experience!
I know I have some way to go still. But knowing I can achieve this on my own (meaning without meds) is really wonderful to find out.

Before I went to E. last week I walked into C., one of the nurses from my BoC-ward. He told me: "oh man... you're just radiating all over. Sh*t, this is so cool!"
He knows me from my bad, worse and worst moments. He also has seen me 'grow', but this reaction was so spontaneous, it gave me goosebumps


I have to stay realistic though: I know that I've been going up and down. I'm at a big up right now, but I know that a down can happen. A big one too.
I'm not fearing it, I'm not thinking about it, but I know I have the tendency to think: oh now I'm all better, now nothing will go wrong anymore. Now my problems are over...
I may always have this cyclic thing. But to know that every down also can be followed by an up is a strong weapon.

oooooh, I forgot to mention that I have a new friend!
She's cute, she's 7,she's pretty hairy and white and meows every now and then

I didn't say this before as I'm sure you all remember my failures in that area but this time things are working out well

She kind of reminds me of my first cat. She has the same colour, so that's a pretty obvious reminder. But characterwise, she's also pretty much like Z. She had to get used to me for about 2 weeks. Started out in my bathroom where she sat pretty much all day long.
But slowly she started to be in my livingroom a bit more every day. And now she's either sleeping on one of my chairs (she has a favourite one, even though I have 4 of the same kind) all day, eating/drinking or sitting somewhere near the window to look outside.
In the evening she has enough of those extremely exhausting activities and has found her way to my lap for the first time on my birthday (great gift!) , where she plays around a bit and then falls asleep.
So she's basically a very quiet cat, doesn't make much of a fuss and during the day is pretty independent. But then at night she seeks company. That's totally my kind of cat

I got her from Belgium, which was a 3,5-4 hour drive for me. Like the shelters in my own country aren't full enough But this cat.. I don't know... it was the story on the internet with her picture that just made my heart melt. Even though she was a very anxious cat in the shelter (she had been there for 2 months and they hardly got her out of her hiding-spot. Food helped, but only a bit), she has now turned around pretty much completely. She still runs away when she hears the doorbell, but that's about it. Well and vacuumcleaning scares her away , but a vacuumcleaner also scares me away
She's just too cute

@Guru: I understand your worries about it. I had the same concerns, especially in the beginning when I didn't know how she'd react in my house. They didn't know anything about her at the shelter, so all they could tell me was how withdrawn she was and how unhappy. And if you hadn't looked on the internet and knew she was there, I'm sure no one would have noticed her at all. She just didn't show herself at all. But she's different now. Still a quiet cat and I don't think that will change much anymore.
But I have had my worries yes. I got through my nervous moments. And I'm still here and alive so it wasn't that bad

Your wish is my command
Her name is Plukkie. It means something like punk-furry-(ish )

http://www.mijnalbum.nl/GroteFoto-NZ4JMNCN.jpg

@Mys: hehehe, thanks for the nice things about little me
I have to say that I like these glasses myself too. I'd better, after 1,5 hours of trying to find one
My hair could use a bit of colouring though I'm starting to see the grey again and I'm not in my 'old mood' yet

Guru and wreds: I'm sending you the pics of myself in a pm


About my bowels: I'm trying to stay calm at the moment. I've seen the preparations for the exams... sheesh... I know it involved 4 litres of laxatives (...) but looking at how they want to do this exactly... gosh. If it were up to me, I'd get one of those colontherapies but I suppose it's not up to me
But there's no point in freaking out now: I don't even have an appointment yet
So it's just..wait and see

Just got back from my short holidaybreak. I'll keep it short; it wasn't pleasant. At all. I've been so depressed that it took everything I had to do stuff and stay upon my feet-literally. Go places. Enjoyed none of it, but I suppose I would've felt even worse if I'd stayed in bed all day long- looking back on it.


I'm still dreading the possible bowel-exam-prep. I'm not dreading the exam itself, but I am wondering if I'll manage to do this colonlavage thing
Eating my way through the day (in normal portions that is) still isn't enough to prevent my legs from trembling every now and then, needing to eat.
Adding diarrhea to that in that situation is already a pretty big extra "problem", but at least I can refill my energy a bit by eating and drinking what I want.
When I have to prep for the exam I'm not allowed to eat anymore after breakfast the day before the exam. No sugars in my drinks either
How am I going to get through that? I'm scared. Really scared that things will go wrong. And I suppose I could mention that to the doc, but I also think he thinks 'no one llikes the preperation'. And doesn't see the problem. Well I think there will be a problem
(I sound like a big whining kid here aren't I? It's just.... on my holiday I felt so weak and sick, I fell over in a rack in a store. Just missing the glasses. And that's just the way it is right now. )
At this moment that's not on my mind too much, luckily, so I'm not going crazy over it. I just.. I don't know. The past weeks have worn me out pretty badly and it's showing in my ability to 'not make a fuss or whine'

My school has also pulled a nice stunt again. Last Wednesday they called me that I could participate in the practicesessions this fall that I'd miss at first, due to their fault. They seemed to have an extra spot. I told the woman that was good news and that I did want to participate. I'd get the forms this week.
When I came home and checked my mail, I had a e-mail from her. "unfortunately, we made a mistake. There is no possibility to join the sessions this fall after all."
*sigh* This is like my own soap
I'm not even bothering anymore. Mostly because I still have my traineeship anyway, but also because I just can't be bothered to care anymore.