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 Cladner |
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Posts: 1700 (10/10/09 07:43:26) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
Hey R,
Sorry your last week was rough. At least there is some "up" and not just down, right? Yay for Plukkie! You had a big hand in her recovery, so give yourself credit! 
CLADNER
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Mystiladi |
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Posts: 5619 (10/12/09 07:27:37) Motherly Wisdom |
I'm struggling with a bad urge to hurt myself.
one of many things i know about you, r, is that you're smart. too smart to add pain to a plethora of physical ailments. remind yourself any time you have the urge to harm yourself that r doesn't deserve to have any more wrong with her than she already does. and also, recall what you went thru the times you DID si - the pain, the lengthy healing process, the scars, etc. make this 'mind over matter', r .. appeal to the other part of your brain that very well knows that nothing is either solved nor gained by hurting yourself. 
poor little plukkie! she's been thru soooo much, and it's just heart-wrenching when a poor defenseless animal suffers. but i am glad she's
mending well, and i know that is because of excellent mothering. 
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1802 (10/14/09 05:37:18) Bono Vox |
You are being too sweet guys
@Cladner: you're right, there has been ups and even though my downs sometimes seem to weigh heavier: I do at least still see the ups. In my old days it would have been only bad and negative and it's good to see that's not 'me' anymore. @Mys: does she really have DENTURES????????? 
Oh my, and here I thought I could trick you all into believing I'm a native English speaker, I can stop pretending now
I don't even know if they have those for cats, I just meant her teeth in general. What's the word for that? I know there's dental care, dental health... but I have a sense that dental isn't a noun? (now I'm curious :P ) Appeal to the other part of your brain that very well knows that nothing is either solved nor gained by hurting yourself. I know... it's just that I know ther's nothing to gain or solve, just in desparate need for something easily treatable. 
But you're right: just thinking about my ankle last winter makes the pain nearly sensible again . That was seriously awful, inspite of the heavy painkillers I got  It was almost the only times I had pain afterwards anyway, but it was a preeettttttty good lesson 
It doesn't stop the urge itself though. Brain wants to find ways to stop the cr*p,and it turns back to old tricks that used to work. the EKG thing you're having - is that the same as the holter monitor? if so, i am sooooo glad you're having this done again! if there is one thing i have discovered (and very recently, actually) it's that things can sometimes change quickly with our bodies, and especially over the 2 or 3 years since your last one. please let us know the results? Yes it's a holter monitor. One with 12 leads, so I'm sure it picked up the whole lot. Actually when I thought back it's more than 5 years agom as I was still at my first office at work. I got transferred in Nov. 2004, so it was before that. I'm curious what comesout ofit. The first 6 hours were frustratingly quiet
Thing was,I bought vit B12 supplements to see if it clears up some of the fatigue, but I don'tseem to respond to them well: first timeI took them last
Thursday I felt agitated and strange in my head. I let them be for the weekend and took one yesterday. My goodness... my heart started racing and going all
wild, I started to feel sick badly and my heart has been beating fast all day. That at least is one thing that's not the way it normally is, though I have
had days the past week my heart's been goingfaster than usual. I think I've had a pulse of about 80-90 all day, which just gives a bit of false
information.
My GP (who is finally back) told me to try and trigger them if possible. Well I managed. After 7pm I had a half hour of some extrasystoles, and after 9:30 it was about as much as every day,going on all night until the next morning. So the holter should have recorded 'some' nice extrasystoles and this morning an event of sudden palpitations that I normally don't have to this extent. I bet though that all is well  which is OK of course. I do wonder about the 'hanging' of the electrical signals every so often. You can see this
stick flickering on the screen and about every minute it just hung. After those 2 sec or so it started flickering completely irregularly ander fast.
I asked the woman who took the electrodes off what that little 'stick' was. She told me it was my heartbeat. I told her that sometimes it just hung. She replied that that would mean my heart 'hangs' too. I didn't mention the irregular and fast flickering, since I could guess the answer. The only question now is: what is that? What does it mean? Can it hurt? I doubt it,but I am curious. It may as well be that just those 'hanging'beats simply aren't recorded on normale EKG's. I do have normal periods in between,so it's no big surprise that I never have any problems apart from slightly abnormalities in something called the t-segment. They are within normal range, but as said: maybe the holter does show stuff a normale EKG doesn't,apart from the extra systoles. I'll get the results nov4, so I'll let you know. I'm glad at least it's done and that I ended up with a dancing heart after all. I suppose if things are dangerous I'll hear sooner,but since I still live after 4 months of these things every day, I don't think I should worry about that
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Posts: 1803 (10/14/09 21:06:47) Bono Vox |
Shoot. Plukkie's not-well-pulled tooth is giving some problems. It's not as bad yet as it used to be, but I'm starting to smell her breath again.
This means infection, so she needs to go earlier to the vet than next month. Like,tomorrow
According to the vet, 99% of the cats with a tooth like hers (sticking out, being a bit sharp) heal without problems. Of course, she's that 1%. So another Plukkie-chase tomorrow 
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1703 (10/15/09 16:09:54) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
Awww R...................
Sending Plukkie get well vibes. She's lucky to have you. I hope you get your ticker troubles sorted soon. i can imagine how frustrating that must be, but admire your persistence. keep us posted.
CLADNER
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Posts: 1804 (10/24/09 06:17:07) Bono Vox |
Plukkie seems to be doing OK
 A little overworrying mom I was
I'm trying to stay upon my feet. Been to my GP again, since my body just seemed to be giving up. She told me not to let this all get in the way. Not to let my mood be influenced by my exhaustion and stomachproblems. I had to look at the positive things in my life. Feeling this sick, it should be of no influence
My blood got checked (again....) but as always: everything was OK, apart from two tests I haven't had the results from. Not that I expect anything... My vitB12 was doubled (from nearly too low to pretty OK) , but I took some supplements. According to some insights, bloodvalues b12 are of little value after taking supplements, so I'm not sure what to think. My GP will probably say it's all OK and maybe it is. I really don't know what to believe: I have trouble accepting the alternative view, but also accepting that everything is OK- looking at how I'm feeling. The only 'positive' thing is that even my GP can't explain this by saying: it's in your head. She can't place my symptoms in the usual pattern of depression/anxiety. She told me that in my blood,my thyroid is OK, but she also told me that she knows that there are people with good bloodvalues, but quite tremendous problems still caused by the thyroid. She confirmed my own suspicions about this. I have been saying that since my thyroiditis, my condition has been bad and all my physical stuff has gotten worse quickly and badly. The problem is: there's no treatment,so it's just riding out 
Because all is well, I will not be able to get earlier bowelexams. I don't have anemia, I have no signs of inflammation. So, for now it's all bothersome,but not important. Since I'm getting utterly desperate (really, I'm not joking ) I've been trying things that are a little 'stupid'. I have
fibresupplements at home, because I used to have constipationlike problems. I know that it's important to take them with plenty of fluids to keep this
stuff moving in your intestines. However, since drinking enough fluids makes my diarrhea even worse (inspite of the theory my GP has given me) I figured
cutting back on fluids would cause the opposite: slowing down the bowels.
My theory, supported by other diarrhea-sufferers, was that not drinking 'enough' would sort of take away the fluids from the bowels, causing - in our case- not constipation but more normal stools. I've read how this works for nearly everyone. But, unfortunately, I'm not one of the 'lucky' ones. I know it's not smart for the rest of my body, but I have taken my fibres without extra fluids, with only about 2-3 glasses of fluid. This on Wednesday and Friday, and drinking less all those days. Only to stop my bowels from racing. It doesn't work. I reacted the way I would when drinking enough, making the diarrhea worse and getting some heavy nausea .
I wanted to ask my GP if it would be smart to take an X-ray of my stomach, to see if maybe it would be paradoxal diarrhea, but since she made no move into that direction whatsoever (not even when I said my doubts out loud) I let it go
It's just a matter of holding myself together and managing as best as I can. There don't seem to be things I can do to make it better,so that's the only thing left. I have to be careful not to mention too much how upset and desperate this all makes me, but it does. It shows in my quite extreme fluidreduction + possible bowelobstructing meds. But,I'll probably laugh about it in a few years.
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1714 (10/25/09 10:14:22) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
I'm glad plukkie is on the upswing.
I only wish you were too, R. Hang in there and try your best not to stress too much, but i know it's rough. Bowels and nerves tend to be related....you know this though.
I hope you feel better soon.
CLADNER
Last Edited By: Cladner
10/25/09 10:17:05.
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1805 (10/25/09 22:41:40) Bono Vox |
I know... but I really don't think my bowels are reacting to nerves and stress this time
Stress shouldn't be giving you fatty stools, should it?
To be honest: I'd rather have constipation,since that I can treat with fibres
Anyway... off to work.
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1715 (10/26/09 15:15:09) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
I hear ya on the constipation R. Sometimes it's the easiest to fix. I'm not sure about stress and fatty stools being related. Stress in general is
rough, but it's hard to relax when something is off.
I hope work went well!
CLADNER
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1806 (10/27/09 03:47:16) Bono Vox |
Stress in general is rough, but it's hard to relax when something is off.
That's for sure. I know that stress also doesn't make things any better, I didn't mean to say that it has nothing to do with it. I was a little short in time yesterdaymorning 
Work went quite OK I had a sort of surprisetalk with someone from my 'school'. It was a surprise because we (mentor,I, teacher) had been planning
this for 2 months or so and we never had a good date to plan this. Last Thursday we finally had an appointment, but had to cancel it at the last minute. Too
few people at work, there simply was no time. But no one told me, the new date was yesterday so I was a little "erm.. oh"
We had a good talk though, I seemed to be doing pretty well. The only thing(s) I need to deal with is: "ask questions sooner". I want to figure it out all alone, but that either ends up in looking for the answer for too long,or just wrong solutions (like I start with task Z after task X instead of
asking if there's something else I can do )
Also,I'm classified as a perfectionist. No surprise to me, but I don't think that's correct. They took me crying as an example,or my studying for 3months for an exam. That's a little black and white though. Me crying wasn't about wanting to do it perfectly and me studying for 3 months isn't about wanting to get A's. I simply forget things quickly and need to repeat, repeat and repeat. I skim unimportant stuff (as far as I can tell,since I have a lot of trouble making that distinction) yet the important stuff I can't get in my head. I know why, they think I want to remember everything. I decided to let it go though. It's not important enough to figure out.
I also decided to take the opportunity to speak out loud that if I seem to be cranky of something, it's not because I'm in a bad mood, but because my body is acting up. I kind of felt bad about that,but I think it's better to mention that than let them think I'm not motivated. E (my mentor) said that was a good thing to bring up during a work meeting. (which I'm not attending, since I'm not a real employee) Some people know, but some don't. I know it's no excuse, but I'd rather have it like this than a bad evaluation based on misinterpretation. One last good thing about the talk was that this teacher said that I should ask my school for permission not to take English exams. The reason for this is because I completed a study at university and my current study is of quite lower academic level than that,which isn't any problem to me. But, in case of English it's a little redundant to be taking exams at this level, when I completed a university-education with mainly English material. I have been in doubt about asking for this permission, but after the teacher said I should ask for it, I will. Hey, I mean.... if I can make things a little easier for myself...
hehe, I nearly went to G. a day early. For 7 weeks now I thoughtmy appt with him would be today, but when I went trough my phone to check the right time,I saw my G-alarm ( ) was set at 8 pm tonight. So I either set the alarm a day late, or I had been wrong about the date all this time. I checked my appt.card and I
noticed it's tomorrow indeed.
It wouldn't be the first time to show up a day early, or in fact too late because I had memorized the wrong time 
At first I was a little: bummer... I got out of bed for nothing.... but then I figured that was OK too,since I have to buy my mom a present, go to the bankm make copies of my uni-degree etc. Now I don't have to get all worked up (over nothing really, since I'd have plenty of time when I did have to go to G. but well... I still like this better
Plukkie is still doing fine. I think she fought off the little infection herself, so I'm happy that the vet took this decision and didn't blindly describe antibiotics. I'm also happy that I decided not to give her wet food just yet. I figured hard "I have to bite well"-kinds of food would be a little better for the moment. It's best to let her on that for as much as possible anyway, since plaque forms easier with with wet food. My main reason was that wet food would probably get stuck in the hole where her tooth used to be that dry food. I'm not sure if that's correct or not, but I decided to take no risks in this. When this hole is closed up enough next week, I'll give Plukkie a wet food-treat
She does eat her dry food very well, but she totally enjoys wet food, so once in a while my furry white cottonball will get that.
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1807 (10/27/09 07:26:26) Bono Vox |
Yikes... Dec.9 is my bowel and stomach-exam...
I actually asked to be admitted for the preparation (by mail,they will get back to that). I'm already slightly panicking about this day. Two 'hardass' laxatives (bisacodyl) to start with two days prior to the exam and then the Klean Prep the day before and the day I have the exam(total of 4litres). The past few weeks I've started to react to laxatives (by which I mean fibresupplements from my GP) badly. I really don't know how to do this all by myself, knowing I will probably adjust the meds by myself
I know I shouldn't, but I also know how my body reacts and how utterly sick this stuff can and most likely will make me. if the hospital says no,which is quite likely, I will stay at my parents' (or the BoC, I'm not sure yet.... ) having my precious valium close at hand. Luckily, I still have more than a month ahead of me
My parents dog is sick,and most likely will be put to sleep tonight. I have to go over to my parents to keep my mom some company. Even though the dog bites at her (and my dad, to me she's never done that.in fact, she's going wild (happy wild) when I come over...) she will have a hard time dealing with this. Also because tomorrow's her birthday. I'm not sure how much I actually can attribute. I never did, but I'm not sure I can shut out my thoughts at the moment. But anyway, it sucks
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4708 (10/27/09 18:04:18) Fountain of Wisdom |
Aw, sorry to hear about the dog... that is so sad.
But good news about your work. I agree, it is good to tell people why you do things or act a certain way, otherwise they will just imagine something else that is probably not true (and maybe worse). And I was happy to hear that Plukkie is doing better!
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4709 (10/27/09 18:05:06) Fountain of Wisdom |
oh and I'm sorry, but I laughed at your phrase "hardass laxatives" !
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1808 (10/28/09 08:52:04) Bono Vox |
My parents dog was put to sleep indeed
 It was sad, but it was best for her, as she was very sick.
I got my degree back from my exam of last month: I passed, which I expected and as well as I kind of thought. Two more to go(or three, depending on what happens with English)! I also got mail back from the hospital. They went along with my request, which means that I'll be admitted for the preparations. They seemed to be more concerned about my panicattacks than with the rest,but I don't really care. Of course, I'd much rather do this at home if I felt that was possible, but I don't. So this alternative is good. Taking my earplugs with me for snoring people
I only got a different date, I'm not sure if that's correct or not, but they gave me a date a week later. That's not too bad, I just wonder if that's correct, so I have to check. I think it is,but it would be a bit of a waste if I didn't show up
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1716 (10/28/09 15:39:38) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
I know that stress also doesn't make things any better, I didn't mean to say that it has nothing to do with it. I was a little short in time
yesterdaymorning
No worries R.
i think it's smart to explain to your co-workers that your moodness is a result of not feeling well. At least this way they know not to take it personal. Good thinking! Way to go with passing your exams! Sorry to hear about your parents' dog too.
I'm glad you'll get to be in the hospital to prep for your bowel exam. A little extra wait will be worth the peice of mind I hope. Take care!
CLADNER
Last Edited By: Cladner
10/28/09 15:43:56.
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1809 (10/29/09 10:27:57) Bono Vox |
Actually, I got a compliment from the pharmacist today as well. I told her I passed my exams and she asked me if I could bring my degrees to see the progress I
make in that area. She told me they only saw their part, but didn't really see the studying-part. She added that they were content about me,which was
already nice to hear.
What she said next though, was even nicer: she had been there when I broke into tears a few weeks ago. Now she told me I made quite 'a comeback after that' which she found a big accomplishment. 
I'm also going to think about working an extra day. My mentor brought it up today (we talked a little about it on Monday too).This will probably be the most hours possible there as a trainee anyway, but that's OK. I think 3 days is enough. I will have to take a step back at my volunteerjob, but that was to be expected and they know, so it won't be much of an issue. The bowel exam is still on the 9th. The woman who mailed me yesterday got the dates mixed up
It wouldn't have mattered much, but it's good to have checked. I'm much calmer about it now than I was before. So I suppose this was a good thing to do. The past two/three days I've been able to breath a bit, psychologically. I can't say I'm utterly happy, but things aren't so fogged up at the moment. I should try to enjoy that, even though I also feel this fear about relapsing. I never had that, it was just a fact I would and didn't seem to care. I'm not going over and over the 'what if I feel so bad again....' but I do feel a little... sad I suppose. Hoping this will last a bit longer than just a few days, not having to fight as hard for a while.
Anyway, the past few days were OK. Been nauseous pretty badly, but at least my mind's better than it was for months.
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4710 (10/29/09 21:04:21) Fountain of Wisdom |
Good to hear R!
You deserve a break.
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1717 (10/30/09 11:20:37) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
I agree.
i take two liters of kleen prep reguarly, because i have severe bowel trouble. my gastro doctor told me to mix it with diet grape kool-aide to mask the taste. it helps. check with the hospital. maybe they will let you mix it with something. i hope things are still up!
CLADNER
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rainbowcolours |
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Posts: 1810 (11/03/09 12:12:15) Bono Vox |
I'm really not so much bothered by the taste, but the result
There's no masking there I suppose But well, that's for later.
Plukkie's teeth have healed up well. But (sigh) now she has earproblems. I noticed by her scratching that something was bothering her, and when I saw the vet today he gave her eardrops (goody...). If I don't give them to her,there's a chance it will get infected. (thing is that she got her ears cleaned 2 months ago and since then the dirt and earwax have gotten pretty bad) So me and Plukkie will be going to fight a bit again
Me, I'm not OK. I got tea on my wrist after a bad chestpain. Went to the ER, they gotme on a monitor and that was about it. Told me to keep an eye on it and if it persisted (everything was fine) get in touch with my GP. I did today, after it happened three times at work yesterday. I never have chestpain,never, not like this. GP said: I will wait for the holter to comeback (done 4 weeks ago, results tomorrow).Of it's OK, then it's good enough for me. Thing is though that I didn't HAVE these pains at that time? I didn't have leg and armcramps 4 weeks ago? I told her my eating is a bit messed up. I tried to get my stomach eand bewels to calm down, but instead my heart has. I haven't had any extrasystoles since then. She said it was impossible to be connected. But not much later she told me that stomachfluids can cause irregularities too, so I should avoid coffee and such to avoid irritation of my stomach. I'm confused by that: I can'thelp it that my stomach seems to cause more trouble when eating fruits and veggies? I told her that all I'm trying is to make it bearable. My stomach and such. Then she said something that kind of dropped my jaw: "But you're not having nausea.. Or are you?" What?? What has she been hearing from me the past few months??? I'm a bit upset by this to be honest. It's like she paid no attention whatsoever
Besides: oh I may have low potassium. But so what, I just have to eat veggies an fruits. That's all. I KNOW I should, but it's such a freaking relief no to be having an extra heartbeat every two seconds. And I DON'T want to have risks of low potassium(which I think I already have), but I'm just... I don't know. I can take vitamines,as she suggested, but I won't get potassiumsupplements. She refuses to draw blood, as I know what to do. Yeah, I do. But at this point I'd rather have a few supplements to get some 'heartrest' and no risk of low potassiumlevels than induce those extra heartbeats again. But you know my doc.Or at least I do: that's taking the sick and easy way out.
To me it's not, but there's nothing I can do about it. To me, for now,itmeans kind of deliberately choosing to cause symptoms, even when my doc told meto find out what triggers them. Now I seem to know. But it's of no value since I can't avoid thoseproducts without weakening myself. I won't get a stomachprotective drug either. Even if I would, I'd refuse it for now. I have my tests a month from now and I want to have it as 'honest' as possible, without masking any problems with medication. After that, I'll reconsider. But for now it's trying to cope the best way I can. Unfortunately it's not the healthiest way, but hey.... I'm not 'aloowed' to make my life any easier in this regard (I'm not, my GP is all for 'choosing the difficult way,so I can "be proud of myself". Sheesh )
I'm off to bed, I'm quite done for today.
Last Edited By: rainbowcolours
11/03/09 12:23:42.
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Posts: 1811 (11/04/09 02:32:18) Bono Vox |
So, I got my holter EKG back.
Doc told me: well you have extrasystoles. Yes, I know... "that's normal. You don't have them worryingly often. NOrmal; people have them 500 times a day, but don't feel them". It surprised me, I was sure it wasmuch more than that. Doc did tell me: I want to do an EKG when you're doing exercise to see if they come up more often/worse." oh oh.... that's 10 minutes of somethingI'm hardly able to do for one minute:S I have to be prepared for weak muscles and bad pain afterwards, but I'm curious what (if at all) they'll find. Also, an ultrasound to see if there are structural abnormalities and a bloodtest, but that has to be done weeks from now. So for now, I still don't know what these cramps are. Results from those tests are coming back in February ( ) .
When I had to make the appointments for the ultrasound and stress-EKG I got my whole file with me to give back to the secretary. I couldn't help myself: I slipped into a restroom and tried to see what the "real" results were. I just couldn't believe what he said about 'it's all quite like normal people'. I also know this is what he tells people simply to calm them down. I can understand that: if someone freaks out that there's something wrong, it may be better to say: it's all very normal than it is to say: well you do have a lot of those! Anyway... my main reason to get this holterEKG was to truely see/hear how often I have them, if my feelings about this were right. And really, I am. I found the pages with the amount of E(xtra)S(ystoles) and in the timeI had my ESes (which was approx 12 hours) I had a total of about 6600. That['s not 'normal'. That's, as I already felt, about 10 perminute. A few weirdnesses, droppings op down to 37 and high pulses of 180, but that I don't really care about. I'm just a bit upset that he didn't just say how it is. That he apparantly figures he must say: not to worry! I DON'T about those, I just wanted to get a clear picture of how often I have them. To let my GP (most of all) see that I'm not exaggerating. SHE won't get the numbers of ES in her computer, only : no important problems. So yes,I'm a difficult patientmaybe, but I'm glad to have seen that I'm not feeling things that aren't there.I'm simply right. 10/minute or more (since that's just an average)when I have these annoying beats is what I told them all along, and I'm simply right. AT least that's something.
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soooo proud of you, r!!
-Do not go gentle into that good night.
You've got to rage against the dying of the light- 
