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please help

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johnf	please help	Lead	[-]
Posts: 1 (01/04/09 06:44:51) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None please help!!!! i dated a girl for 10 months and was engaged to her. while dating she told me about how she use to have an eating disorder and would either not eat or if she did she would make herself throw up. She also told me that when she would exercise she would walk for miles or do a couple thousand situps. She went to treatment and got better but about 6 months into our relationship she asked me if i would buy her det pills i told her that i she didn't need them she looked amazing as she was. the topic was dropped and a couple weeks later i went into one of her drawers to get something and found two bottles of diet pills. When i asked her about them she said she takes less then recommended. We ended up breaking up but last night we went to dinner together and i could tell that she lost weight and after dinner she took a couple pills. Also she told me that she now walks 4 miles a day and she makes it know that she doesn't think that she is skinny. I am so scared for her and dont know what to do to help her. please help.
Jam72		#1	[-]
Posts: 4714 (01/04/09 10:36:50) Princess Sunshine Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Johnf It's clear that she thinks she doesn't have a problem. Maybe now things are still "under control" but if she keeps doing what she is doing, things will get worse. I would call her up and meet somewhere to talk. Start by saying you are very worried and that it would be a good idea if she seeked help. Explain that she has a history behind her and she could easily go back to it if she is not careful. The problem with EDs is that we think we are in control, we think we can get ourselves together easily, but that's when we fail ! She has to be aware of her problem first and realize that she is not strong enough to say, "enough". She will be able to say enough when she seeks help and when she is aware that things can get worse. It's not easy to leave behind this "lifestyle". Even being aware of the problem, it's not easy to just stop, but it's a 1st step to start doing something about it. Jam
johnf		#2	[-]
Posts: 2 (01/04/09 10:52:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	thank you i will try to talk to her. I know her parents have noticed her weigh loss but they just yell at her and what not which doesn't help. she missed a period a couple months ago and now has them very irregularly. do you think that i was the cause of her relapse? i feel like the stress from our relationship caused it and i feel horrible about it. i know that she would love to have kids one day and i know that if she keeps on the track that she is on that will not be able to happen and i feel bad that i would cause that.
Guru G		#3	[-]
Posts: 4341 (01/04/09 12:09:45) Fountain of Wisdom Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi John, Please try not to beat yourself up over this... you did not cause it. Yes stress can be a factor (disordered eating is often a coping mechanism in a person who is not psychologically strong enough to cope using her own inner resources), but life is full of stress and if it wasn't your relationship, it would have been something else. Disordered eating is often linked to poor self-esteem (you are right, yelling at her is not helpful, in fact it just reinforces the idea in her head that she is "not good enough"). I think the best thing you can do is be kind and supportive without putting too much pressure on her. Remember this is HER problem and you can't fix it for her. Only she can do that. Missing periods is a common problem with anorexia, but usually everything returns to normal when the person starts eating better. I am positive that you have not ruined her chances of having children. Try to be nice to yourself as well as to her!
johnf		#4	[-]
Posts: 3 (01/04/09 14:34:02) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	well thanks it makes me feel a little bit better. Today i tried to take a chance and let her know that i was there for her as a friend and would be there to give her advise if i could or just listen of even be a shoulder to cry on. I mentioned that i felt like she has been pushing me away and she said she would not do that anymore. than a little while later she told me that she needs more time before we can be friends and is just pushing me away. All i want to do is be there for her while she goes throuhgh this and do what ever i can to help but she is just pushing it away.
Guru G		#5	[-]
Posts: 4342 (01/04/09 14:57:08) Fountain of Wisdom Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	sounds to me like you have done all you can - you have offered your support as a friend but if she chooses not to accept that, I think you have to respect her wishes. Maybe it is still too difficult and stressful for her to have a relationship with you - hard as that may be for you to accept. Bottom line - I think if she is pushing you away, it is better not to push back - give her some space and maybe she will come back when she is ready. And if not, you will know that you did everything you could. I am hoping for a happy ending!
johnf		#6	[-]
Posts: 4 (01/04/09 15:31:41) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	thanks i am hoping for the best too. i really hope that she will over come this because i honestly dont know what i would do without her in my life somehow.
Mystiladi		#7	[-]
Posts: 5445 (01/05/09 12:29:46) Motherly Wisdom Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	hi johnf, and again, welcome to the boards! i am sooo sorry about your gf. i can imagine how frustrating this is for you, seeing someone you care about slipping into the scary world of eating disorders. but g (guru g) is right - this isn't something you can control. only she can make the decision to fight it and get better. i don't think she is truly pushing you away. it's just that she knows you disagree with what she's doing to herself and may feel some guilt or that she is disappointing you. also, it's very common for those with EDs to isolate themselves so they don't have to account to anyone what they are (or aren't) eating, and to hide their purging. just be supportive without seeming to be what she may perceive as being judgmental. i know it hurts terribly to see what she's doing to herself, but unfortunately, and sadly, she may become even worse before she makes the decision to get better...and we can only hope that will be soon. just keep being her friend and let her know you're there for her. truly, i think it's all you can do at this point. and remember - as g said, NONE of this is your fault! you are a good friend and she's lucky to have you in her life. "The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy."

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