my boyfriend keeps making me eat and getting all upset wghen i puke and i hate it because i hate to see him hurt. i dont want the
food..........................................................................................................................uim glad hes here even though it
was only because of the trial and im glad hes staying here a few months biut he knows to much. he gets to close and he knows it scares me so he doesnt push me
but still he ghas me all figured out and he worries and saome days i just hate it
i dont know what to do........
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 LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
i dont know what to do........ |
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Posts: 6 (02/25/09 18:31:26) |
Last Edited By: LittlestFairy 02/26/09 17:14:26.
Edited 1 time.
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Mystiladi |
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Posts: 5469 (02/27/09 02:56:16) Motherly Wisdom |
good to see you back, but i'm sorry you're stressed.
while i can understand his concern that you aren't eating, perhaps he needs to be told that pushing you is only having an adverse effect. i think you
and he need to come to some sort of an agreement...that maybe if he backs off you will try to eat a tad more, so that it doesn't result in a purge, which
obviously defeats the point of force-feeding.
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 7 (02/27/09 11:59:51) |
i dont purge because of him. he doesnt exactly force me to eat he just knows me well enough to know how to get me to eat....-_- and i dunt wanna eat. if he
vbacked off i would do wat i want. i dont know much about myself or who i am but ive notice in past situations i aam really stubborn and usualy better off when
someone knows how to handle me and keep me out of fights and troublle and stuff.
we make agreements when the time for them comes. like give me something i want if i eat. its just i dont want to and i dont want to be talked into it or do it at all. i dont need it. cantelope is ok i guess...but you cant get any good cantelope this time of year...and these bunny shaped crackers arent to bad if only a few. bannas are safe but they always seem to be bruised. and yogurts ok.
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Cladner |
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Posts: 1447 (02/27/09 12:33:12) Professional Gurlie Gurl |
Hi Littlestfairy,
I can't say much - other than I understand the frustration over being forced to eat. Your boyfriend loves you and wants you well. That's probably all he really knows for sure. EDs are hard for families/friends to understand, so often they can only think of the survival function of getting us to eat. I know it's hard, but try to empathetic. Your bf is doing his best and so are you. Enjoy your cantaloupe, bananas and yogurt. One step at a time.... 
CLADNER
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 8 (02/27/09 14:23:03) |
i know he loves me and hes trying but some days i wish he wouldnt love me. then i wouldnt have to eat i could cut...and maybe i could even finaly die
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Mystiladi |
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Posts: 5470 (02/28/09 05:38:17) Motherly Wisdom |
dearest littlest fairy...
ok, i have to be totally honest and say that your posts are scaring me and that i'm extremely worried about you. not eating, plus cutting and often
speaking of dying are all pretty serious symptoms of something much bigger than we have the capability of helping you with. do you have someone in your life
that you can talk to? parents? teacher? clergyman?? i very much encourage you to reach out to someone soon, because your welfare is of utmost concern to us.
this isn't to say we won't be here for you to listen, to care and do our best to encourage and support you thru this difficult time, but obviously
those are the limitations of an anonymous message board... and i fear they're not enough to provide the help you need. with all my heart i urge you to seek
guidance from someone in your life...please?
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 10 (02/28/09 16:34:59) |
i...dont know whats enough...i have...i have no one to go to...justin but i never had many friends...its hard for me to make any because of aspergers...the few
i had..i pushed away...when i was little i was bullied my tweachers principals kids and i just kinda had to pretend to be strong and do everything myself and
trust noone. i built a wall and put on a mask. and then one day a few people saw through cracks..and everytime someone got close i pushed them away. i did
whatever i could to push them away. ive just started letting justin in and started trusting him...ive always been alone and at the time it worked but now i
find i cant keep going alone i cant ive messed things up so bad i dont have any real friends or anybody who would be interested in really knowing me theres no
one for me to go to. no body i can talk to or be open with no one i feel comfortable enough with to take my mask off plus that mask is a part of me..im not
sure it can come off anymore.....so no...theres no one i can go to.
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4445 (03/01/09 10:21:53) Fountain of Wisdom |
I think we were thinking of professional help, like a doctor, counsellor, therapist etc.... this sort of thing is hard for friends and family to deal with...
and if you have trouble making friends, which is understandable with your condition, that's not really an option anyway....
please try to understand that NONE of this is YOUR FAULT - you are not a devil or demon or horrible person - you have an illness. And we want you to get treatment for it so that you can get better or at least be able to manage it better. It sounds like YOU are the one who is in hell.
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Mystiladi |
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Posts: 5473 (03/01/09 11:38:07) Motherly Wisdom |
i have to agree with our very wise guru, especially that you are the one who is suffering the most. clearly you are in a LOT of pain, emotional, maybe even
physical. you are soooo young.. too young.. to have to go thru ANY of this alone.
while it would be probably difficult for you to arrange for professional help on your own due to the fact you're a minor, i urge you to speak to the parent you feel closest to. i know you are probably thinking that that is the LAST thing you want to do, but please remember that your parents love you, they don't want you to suffer, and they would help you in any way they could....but of course they can't if they don't know how bad things are for you. i do understand you have a very difficult time of trusting people so it's HARD to let someone in. but believe it or not, most people inherently want to help those who are suffering. it's so unfortunate that you have encountered so many vicious people, but not everyone is like that, i promise you. when my daughter was your age, i went thru very similar with her. she and i teamed together and began to right the wrongs she went thru at school with the help of counselors, principals and aides. she ould NEVER have done it alone, nor can you. you NEED an adult an your life to be your advocate, and at this point, i can only stress again that it should be one of your parents. please, please consider everything guru and i have told you. we care. we wouldn't tell you ANYthingthat we didn't sincerely mean with all our hearts...and i truly hope you can trust us in that.
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wredsky |
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Posts: 1636 (03/01/09 12:49:26) The Wordsmith |
Hey Littlest, I only just caught up on this. I'm so glad you've been coming here with this. You're in amazing hands with these guys. Try to breathe
and hear them. I can't really say more than they have. Except that you need to take a step now and make a decision about getting some help to get your life
back from this disease. We're right here for you whatever you do.
Love massive xxxxxxxx wreds 
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4446 (03/01/09 13:33:06) Fountain of Wisdom |
I agree with Mys that parents are the best for helping, but if you can't talk to your parents for some reason (and let's face it, many of us are in the
messes we're in at least partly BECAUSE of our parents!), then is there any other adult you trust? (relative, teacher, school counsellor?) Most adults will
do whatever they can to help a kid in distress. You probably know this, but there are also help lines you can call if you are suicidal and don't have
anyone to talk to.
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 11 (03/01/09 17:26:42) |
im not close to either of my parents and there is no way i could tell either of them or have either of them know. infact i think they may be the reason i cant
tell anyone. maybe in college when you can go and get help without your parents knowing then ill talk but as long as theres a chance of them finding out...no
way. besides my mom is embaresse dto know me as it is..i have a therapist who ive tried to talk to before but nomatter how much i rehearse it or want to tell i
cant. it just wont come out. ive had chances to tell the truth. one time at lunch last year my friend and i were in a bad mood because of interum grades and we
yelled and i lost my temper and said some stuff i didnt want to and she apparently went to the guidence counseler and i was called down later and asked if i
cut or was suicidal...i just told them no i was angry and she misunderstood. onetime i had written a poem and accidently left it at a friends house and she
showed it to the guidence counseler and i was asked the same thing and i just lied again. ive had chances to tell..but i never could bring myself to do it. if
i tried id freeze up and wouldnt beable to speak till i decided to say something else. an adult cant make me normal or help me be somebody else....noone can.
plus if i told someone then theyd be watching me and id be noticed. i dont like attention. i dont like being noticed. i like being just another silent shadow.
i cpouldnt handle the attention and stuff...silence is safe...the truth is not
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wredsky |
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Posts: 1641 (03/01/09 20:55:02) The Wordsmith |
I hear you Littlest. But secrets keep you sick. You have to break this silence to someone if you want to get well. You need to get it out of your head in words
to someone. Writing here is a first step, but we're not with you and we can't really so more than listen and understand.
I am a cutter, an anorexic and a bulimic. My bulimia resurfaces now and then and my body-hate is pretty constant, but I haven't cut in about 2 years. Because I broke the silence and got help. It was hard but if you find the right person you'll find they'll hear you with compassion and will not judge, just like we don't judge. I know you don't like the idea of being watched, but you can set boundaries. I think the guidance counselor is the way to go. You need someone with training and maturity. And you can set boundaries. You can ask for confidentiality and agree to see them on your terms. The longer you wait with this stuff inside you the longer it has to poison you. I ended up in ICU on a drip with 29 stitches, a stomach pump, and no nerve feeling in my left inside wrist. From there it was off to a psyche hospital. Trust me, you don't want it to get there. Because then it's out of your hands and your control will be completely taken away and everyone will know. This way you still have a say. You have an out here and I really think you should take it. For yourself sweetheart, seriously, you're worth healing. And we can be with you every step of the way.  
wreds
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 12 (03/02/09 07:28:09) |
well i told my boyfriend and he listens. but maybe it will be better if things do get out of my control because as long as im in control no one will even know
and nothing will be done. its how i am. i grew up having to handle everything myself and do everything myself and now i dont really know any different. people
already look at me funny and treat me different because of the mental problems i was born with like aspergers and ADHD and then DID from the abuse and because
everyone knows about the abuse because i ended up in the hospital for several weeks...and i had a teacher try to fail me last year just because i had mental
problems and i wasnt normal. teachers do that kind of thing. and people never want to take me seriously. i ended up in alot of fights to get what little
respect i have. on the outside things are starting to fall in order. its taken me fifteen years. on the inside im more messed up than ever.but why should
anyone see that. whats it to anyone if im A freaked up wreck inside. like they give a beep. its easy for me to tell people about this stuff when they are just
in some forum when they are people i dont have to live with everyday of my life because i can tell them without it being like a kick me sign on my back that
wont come off. besides im sure my parents would be very happy if i ended up in some mental home. they would be pretty much free of me.
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wredsky |
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Posts: 1644 (03/03/09 15:11:41) The Wordsmith |
You sound like you have no hope left Littlest. I've been there. I think we all have. And I know what you mean about letting the s**t completely hit the fan
so it all finally comes out. That was the only way I could get help in the beginning too. I couldn't talk to my parents or my friends. Lucky for me I had a
counselor I trusted who could intervene at the right times. I might not be here if it wasn't for her. I know how tempting it is to let everything collapse.
It sends the strongest message to those who haven't been there. But ultimately it leaves you in a harder place to have to come back from. By letting it get
that far, the person you're hurting the most is you. Think about that a little? Because you don't deserve that. No one does.
wreds
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LittlestFairy.copingwithdisso... |
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Posts: 13 (03/03/09 16:24:49) |
dont say collapse...i already collapsed on the floor in class today.......
honestly i think ive already gone to far to comer back...one things for sure..the one thing i realluy want...i can never obtain. all ive wanted is to be normal. lucky like those pretty girls as school who can eat everything and just brush through there hair an dbe beautiful.......i just want to be one of those girls with out any mental problems. i dont want to be the girl who doesnt know how to react in social situations because of a mental disorder not understanding social situations. im sick of going to counseling to learn how to deal with social things and gain the skills almost all people are born with. how is that even fair! how is it fair that i am never excepted not even by my parents for who i am? how is it fair that i was born with mental problems? i hadnt even had the chance to do anything wrong to deserve it! how is it fair that i got stuck with an abusive uncle! how is it fair that i have learning dissabilities! how is it fair that i cant eat a ton and be skinny? how is it fair htat my hair is the worst on earth. how is it fair that some people get all the luck! its not! and obviously god doesnt see it worth while that i can be a bit happy and hbave some luck so why bother. im not worth it. obviously i did something compleatly horribly wrong
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wredsky |
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Posts: 1645 (03/03/09 21:14:01) The Wordsmith |
It's not fair Littlest. It really isn't. But it's your life. And you can either learn to live it or throw it away. You can either give your power
over to those who have hurt you, or you can take it back and find a way to live in integrity. You can either give up and be lost for the rest of your life, or
you can fight for a way to be happy. It's your choice my girl. That's something no mental disorder or painful past can take away from you. Your right
to choose.
There was someone here with ADD, with no family, moving between foster homes, but he found a way to be happy. There is someone here confined to a wheelchair, but she's fighting. There's someone here in constant physical pain, but she's a pillar of hope and compassion. And me? I got drug addiction thrown into the mix. But I'm 105 days clean today. No one really get's it easy. Not even those girls you speak about. Who knows what they have to go home to, or what dark stuff they carry in them behind that perfect outside? I guess my point is, there are some things you have the power to change, and some things you don't. The people with the darkest shadows behind them usually have the brightest light in front of them. So you can either curl up in the shadow or pick yourself up and take slow steps towards that lighter place. It's all up to you my girl. wreds
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4449 (03/03/09 21:46:20) Fountain of Wisdom |
Wreds is absolutely right LF. I will just add that life is indeed not fair, but it must, somehow, make sense, in a way that is beyond our ability to
understand. Maybe we ARE being punished for things we did in past lives. Maybe somewhere else is "life" and this is really hell. Or maybe it's
all just random. We have no way of finding out why some people are dealt better hands than others - and why some people have to suffer through physical or
mental disabilities or horrible events, like war or losing a child, while others coast through life with no real problems.
But once we know all that, we are back to what Wred said - we have a choice as to how we deal with the circumstances life has thrown at us. Our choice may be limited by our psychological ability, but it is still ours. We can't control the circumstances around us - the only thing we can possibly have a chance at controlling is our reaction to them. And even then, all we can do is our best. x 1 million
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bunnyb66 |
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Posts: 1163 (03/04/09 07:24:56) Queen of Fights |
Hi there. I just started to read your thread and feel your pain. Life is very unfair. I grew up with 4 dysfunctional parents, who still are, and have been
stuck in a cycle for over 24 years. Don't do this to yourself. It is okay for you to let out the pain and learn how to deal with it. I can't say that I
am better but I have stopped my cycle of going in and out of hospitals and am in a pretty healthy relationship. My parent's are still awful and crazy but
my therapist is teaching me that I am okay and deserve to be okay and don't have to run away because my parents hate me. None of us here will tell you it
is easy but when I think back in my days to taking 2 hours to shower and laying on the bathroom floor because I was blacking out- life is much better today.
Now I just walk around feeling crazy and fat and out of control but at least I can walk around all day, work all day and function. Please try to start a
healthier journey. Also, the secrets are not helpful. I did therapy for almost 15 years and hospitals with secrets and it got me no where. The right people
will understand, will not judge and will give you some relief. Me
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xXLittlest FairyXx |
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Posts: 1 (03/06/09 14:43:25) |
random. this would be one time when i HATE random. i do try to choose. but its difficult. stick a solid object infront of me. i can fight that eyes closed.
stick something i cant see or touch something that i cant get an estimate of that i cant fight with weapons or fists and im lost. ive tried to sort my head out
a bijillion times. but i cant see whats in my head. it drives me crazy..well more crazy would be more accurate. sometimes just trying to find a hold on my life
to control what happens just makes me feel five times worse. ive looked for ways out. i ended up anorexic drug addict cutter. being a dancer helps someitmes.
sometimes i can calm myself and control my mind just by getting up putting dance shoes on and dancing. but it sdoesnt always work. i pain but that never really
did to much for me. writing poetry helps until something comes along and im just to stressed out and depressed to seem to put anything into words..and its
times like those when nothing seems to work. nomatter what just cant shake the awful feeling. and those moments come to often. but whats worse than that is
when i feel nothing. im so used to my mind tumbling with thoughts and thinking about all the pain and problems in the world...not jusyt my own infact i think i
think more about everything else wrong and paiful and everyone elses pain and how unfair life is for everyone than i do of the unfairness and pain in my own
life. but sometimes my mind stops the thoughts stop coming. i cant think of happy things or sad things. i feel empt ymore than ever. thats probably the worst.
one time i started begging my boyfriend to make me mad and upset or to hit me hard just so i would FEEL something..one time before my uncle was gone i went up
to him and asked him to hit me! dumb but effective. though normaly i would beg him not to hi me...i was desprate..and i hate it. the only reason i went to him
was i knew he wouldnt have a problem with hurting me. things are just difficult....im still not over the whole nearly being murdered yet...most people say
thats something u never get over. hopefuly they are wrong. choices suck. and id rather have ADD than ADHD. but god didnt ask me. he never asks anyone. he didnt
ask a kid if he wanted to be born with a brain tumor or elaphantitis or somehing. why should he ask..other that it would kinda be polite. ok its not his fault
i know that. is it anyones fault? or is it just how things have to be?
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Guru G |
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Posts: 4454 (03/06/09 20:22:08) Fountain of Wisdom |
I know what you mean about the world's problems being overwhelming at times... no wonder your mind goes numb - it is an escape. And I don't know how we
fix all the pain in the world. I don't think we can - it is part of life. The challenge is keeping it to a part and not letting it take over the whole.
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i am a
BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!
