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wredsky	whatever tomorrow brings...	Lead	[-]
Posts: 1770 (05/23/09 20:56:48) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None Soooo I went to visit my brother last night. The whole story was this: I asked him for coffee yesterday so we could kinda catch up and we arranged it and I waited. Then he called me and said he was in bed and didn't feel like getting out of it but he'd make it up to me. I understood cos he's been having a tough time, but I got so irrationally disappointed. Like how I used to in the old days. Then before I knew it I was cramming biscuits in my mouth and purging When I got out of the bathroom there was a message from him asking if I wanted to maybe go visit him. I wish I'd hung on just a little while... Anyway, the visit was nice. I watched him play a tv game for a while cos he was in the middle of it and had a high score, which I didn;t mind cos I used to spend hours watching him play games when we were kids and it was kinda nice. Shooting asteroids and evil space ships and stuff Then I finally got caught up on what's been going on for him. Not easy stuff. Lots of depression and anxiety and tiredness. But it seems it's getting better. He's getting a kitten in a couple weeks which will be really cool for him Tomorrow I've gotta jet off to Cape Town to set up my stuff in a joint exhibition there, I'm back on Tuesday, and Wednesday I hopefully start photographing this new project I'm part of. It's on ideological parallels between the fall of the Berlin Wall and Apartheid. Yikes huh? I hope I can do something powerful with it. Ok that's me. Love you guys planet-size. wreds
rainbowcolours		#1	[-]
Posts: 1766 (05/24/09 03:18:26) Bono Vox More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	boo you Yes it's me here, it's not a hallucination Sorry to see that you turned to the b/p sweety, but don't beat yourself up over it. Try to be gentle about it, you can pick up again today I enjoy seeing how you can enjoy just watching your brother play games, it's what I admire in you. Your ability to just watch, observe, and enjoy that. It shows in your projects too, and how you see something beautiful or powerful in things. A different look on things, one that continues to surprise and amaze me -in a positive way. I'm sure the project about the Berlin Wall and Apartheid will turn out great! Are you looking forward to starting it? Sorry to hear about your brother having such a hard time at the moment, but it's good that it seems to be getting better. I hope the kitten will be a positive 'factor' in his life and he really enjoys having such a little furry 'monster' in the hourse to you -Do not go gentle into that good night. You've got to rage against the dying of the light- Last Edited By: rainbowcolours 05/26/09 00:58:18. Edited 1 times.
Cladner		#2	[-]
Posts: 1548 (05/25/09 14:49:01) Professional Gurlie Gurl More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Wreds, Welcome to your new thread! I like the title! I get the drive to b/p............it's a powerful force and sometimes no other outlet will do. I'm glad you still got to visit with your brother. Sounds like he needed the chat as much as you. I agree with R that you have a wicked ability to see good in the small things around you. This helps you be the wicked photographer you are i'm sure. i hope your trip to Cape Town goes well. You'll be missed....... CLADNER
wredsky		#3	[-]
Posts: 1774 (05/27/09 19:59:57) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Rain lady you're so sweet. And you too C. Thanks guys you make me blush Ye Cape Town was good. quite a rush and I was sick and miserable, but I seem to be all better now which is unusual for me. And the project... it's like this. We have a lady who has been cleaning our house for over a decade. And I barely know her. So I'm looking at the left-over "walls" that separate "white employer" from "black employee" and trying to breach them by learning about her life and her as a woman and a mother. So I went home with her yesterday and spent a couple hours in the township where she lives. It's so sad guys. I had no idea. She lives in a one room house smaller than my kitchen. She sleeps on the bed with her baby girl and her two sons sleep on the floor by the stove. It's insane. All the kids and her neighbours were wicked though, crowding round me to have their photos taken. I didn't get the greatest shots but that's usual in the beginning of a project. I think the more time I spend with them the better the project will get. Talk about guilt though, coming home to my massive empty house... Eating is... meh. Not bad but not great. At least I have energy to get through the days. Ok that's me guys. Thank you for the wicked things you said. You too awesome. wreds
rainbowcolours		#4	[-]
Posts: 1770 (05/28/09 03:31:12) Bono Vox More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey you I can only imagine what the impact of this womans story and life had on you. It sounds like you really did make a connection with her and her kids and neighbours to the most possible extend. It must have been weird for sure to come home to your own place after seeing the township Don't let the guilty feelings take over honey, it's not your 'fault' that things are like this. I think you do and give to the world what you can do at best: understanding, respect, tolerance, friendship. These are the most powerful things in my eyes to give to others, even when the circumstances can be so sh*tty. You can't change the whole world, but you can do your share and I know that you do. Sorry to hear about your eating though. Any idea why you need this right now? I'm not completely up to date on how you've been doing lately, though I read in verwens thread that your diet could be better. Has it gotten worse? or just status quo? -Do not go gentle into that good night. You've got to rage against the dying of the light-
Mystiladi		#5	[-]
Posts: 5534 (05/28/09 05:35:10) Motherly Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	to your new thread, wreds!!! sorry it's taken me so long to get here. i have had some sporadic board probs with signing in and not being able to post, and/or losing them...it's been a mess! i suppose that's my punishment for being here infrequently... so sorry to hear your brother is in a rough spot currently, but yeah, no one knows better than i how easily and quickly a pet can right side up an upside down world. it's good you went to see him. i'm even happier he called and asked you to. as for the biscuit-cramming/purging, maybe there's a mini-lesson there...to wait out the urge to b/p. the situation that prompts it can change, and the urge, itself, can fade, if given some time. you really might be surprised to find that counting to 100, or distraction by waching tv or something, could stop dead in its tracks that the knee-jerk bingeing response to stress. maybe..? sorry i wasn't here to wish you well on your trip to cape town, and i'm so sorry you were sick, but yay for being well now. your project...yes, i can understand how you must feel seeing the vast disparity of the haves and have nots. it's sad, but there's no reason to feel guilt. none of it is of your doing, but perhaps by illustrating the photo story of poverty, you are doing your part to somehow set forth change. knowledge is power, right? i am soo proud of you for doing this, and for your limitless compassion, wreds. it shows in everything you do, and i believe it's an integral part of what is going to make you a famous photojournalist. i wish eating wasn't just 'meh', that it could nudge a bit closer to 'great'. you need LOTS of energy to get thru these hectic days..and also so you don't get sick again. can you maybe add some extra healthy cals, perhaps some fruit, protein and grains? verwen's idea for the protein is a good one. keep on keepin' on, sweet girl. "The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy."
Cladner		#6	[-]
Posts: 1554 (05/28/09 12:24:47) Professional Gurlie Gurl More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Wreds, i'm glad you had a good trip and that you are feeling better. I LOVE the sound of your new "breaking down walls" project. I bet it was a bittersweet experience. you have such a mind for choosing meaningful work that doesn't ony photograph people, but tells their life stories. I hear you with meh eating. i'm there too. (big surprise) you're right. you need energy. keep reminding yourself. lots of love. CLADNER
wredsky		#7	[-]
Posts: 1775 (05/29/09 19:18:37) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	You guys rock the party that rocks the party understanding, respect, tolerance, friendship. These are the most powerful things in my eyes to give to others, even when the circumstances can be so shtty This is such an amazing thing rain lady, thank you so much for helping me see this. Has it gotten worse? or just status quo? It's still pretty much wrong. Lot's of unnecessary eating. Like outside of hunger and nutrition and inside of just wanting to. Breakfast is always good, fruit and soya yoghurt, but later it goes kinda pear shaped. My lunch is too big usually. Way too big. Maybe my ideas of what and how much are just a bit wack right now. I could be aiming too low or two small and then I'm thrown by how much my body actually wants (or needs). something like that. Anyway I'll work with it and see if I can find a balance. i suppose that's my punishment for being here infrequently... Yeah cos you really need punishing... maybe there's a mini-lesson there...to wait out the urge to b/p Very good point. i am soo proud of you for doing this, and for your limitless compassion Aw thanks Mys. You guys say the coolest things. perhaps some fruit, protein and grains? What I need actually is raw veg. I usually get no veg unless its in soup. I had a whole large pizza today... ...with veg and no cheese but still. That's way more than I needed. And it made me so tired I passed out when I got home at like 5:30. you have such a mind for choosing meaningful work that doesn't ony photograph people, but tells their life stories. Well, I'm trying C. The pics I got from that first visit on Wed were complete crp though. Seriously. Bad light. Posed and self-conscious. So I have a plan starting Sunday to go through to the township every morning next week for sunrise at 6am. Hopefully my new housemate will come with me. She moves in tomorrow. Then if by Friday I don't have anything I'm happy with I might change my project. I have a possible plan for that too - a hospital in another township that's the biggest in the world, named after an anti-apartheid activist who was killed just before the first democratic elections. I know a guy doing a photo essay in the psych ward there and I might ask if I can piggy-back on his project. We'll see though after this week. I spent a long time tonight talking online to my good friend in New York about all this. She let me whine about my lack of talent and demotivation which was sweet of her. It started by her sending me a link for this girl's photos - they were incredible, imaginative, and SO skillfully worked.... and she's freaking 15 years old!!! http://flickr.com/photos/laurennicole81/ - check out "365" It seriously bummed me out. She's a natural and I have to work my off which got me a little down. that and hearing that my mentor was the only person in his university's history to get 100% as a final year mark. He's a Magnum photographer, exhibited all over the world, and he's my age. I know I know. My mate told me not to bum myself out by comparing myself to other people. But it's so hard not to. It's the same thing I do with my body. The things that matter to me the most. Ug anyway. You guys are awesome for the things you said. Thank you. Thanks for reading. I love you guys. wreds
Guru G		#8	[-]
Posts: 4570 (05/29/09 20:53:51) Fountain of Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	You are right Wred, there is no point comparing yourself to others, there will always be someone better/smarter/prettier/more popular/thinner. That girl does have talent - but so do you. Can you try to look at her with admiration, and see her as an inspiration?
Cladner		#9	[-]
Posts: 1560 (05/30/09 08:29:33) Professional Gurlie Gurl More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Wred, Go easy on yourself with eating. Over rigidness sometimes backfires, so maybe you need to give yourself some wiggle room. The more I stress about food, the more I binge. Try listening to your body, but I know it's hard. Maybe you need more fuel than you think.......... there is no point comparing yourself to others, there will always be someone better/smarter/prettier/more popular/thinner. G is right. Envy is natural. The girl's talent doesn't change yours. Be gentle with your body, mind and photo eye. lots of love. CLADNER Last Edited By: Cladner 05/30/09 08:33:06. Edited 1 times.
Guru G		#10	[-]
Posts: 4571 (05/31/09 19:17:57) Fountain of Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Wred, I thought of you today when I was out running - it was a beautiful sunny day, cobalt blue sky, and I was running in the woods through these giant trees - and some of the trees were cottonwoods and the cotton was floating down like big fluffy snowflakes - it looked EXACTLY like it was snowing - absolutely gorgeous! I thought, where is Wred and her camera??
wredsky		#11	[-]
Posts: 1777 (06/01/09 10:31:34) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you G and C my lovely ladies. Aw G that sounds so pretty. I tried to picture it. I've never seen cotton trees before. It's so cool that you live near woods that you can run through. So hey L moved in today. Yay! Finally someone. AND my good friend F is going to take the other room in a month's time. Woooo! He just has to give a month's notice at the halfway house he's at. Housemates, guys!!!! I haven't been out to the township to photograph yet. I saw how dark it was this morning and I felt too nervous . I'm a chicken about my 8 grand camera... I'm not entirely sure what I'll do. I'll see in the morning I guess. I'm gonna try and not see my work like I see my body - not good enough and never will be. I have to believe that it can get better if I put my all into it. Right? I guess... wish me luck for the morning... wreds
Mystiladi		#12	[-]
Posts: 5540 (06/01/09 23:45:42) Motherly Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	i agree about comparing, wreds. it's always an exercise in futility. ok, so her work is good, but quite repetitious and frankly, waaaay too much about her. yawn the truth? your work is better. it's not as contrived as hers. the thing is, you have to remember that not everything is going to appeal to everyone. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. cliche, but true. e.g., some people love this modern art stuff. i don't. my mom was an artist, and her work was exquisite. photographic in its realness. but some people like picasso. i don't think in terms of art being stuff that anyone can slap together with a little time and a modicum of imagination. wreds, your photography shows emotion. depth. thoughtfulness. intensity. i can almost feel what you were thinking and feeling when you snapped the pic. that can't be taught. you either have it or you don't. and kid, you got it. so no more comparing. if you're always trying to be someone else, you'll lose someone more important - you. So hey L moved in today He just has to give a month's notice at the halfway house he's at. um... "halfway house"? does that mean he did drugs? yikes, wreds. i hope you've talked to him about not using and have established some house rules..? I'm gonna try and not see my work like I see my body - not good enough and never will be. I have to believe that it can get better if I put my all into it. Right? I guess... wish me luck for the morning... there ya go. and oodles upon oodles of good luck, wreds. some major photo . "The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy."
wredsky		#13	[-]
Posts: 1778 (06/02/09 11:33:02) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Mys thank you so so much for what you said. I guess I envy her skills but I can learn those. And her early start. But there's something to say for experience no? My life has taken me the long way round to my passion but maybe that's the better way to go, since I've collected a lot of valuable stuff along the way. You rock Mys, thank you. Yes F and L are both addicts, in recovery. F has over a year clean and L is 6 months like me. I've drawn up house rules that they have to sign stating that if they relapse they will have to leave for the safety of the rest of us in the house. In duplicate. So no worries there Mys I think we'll be ok. I'm much better at setting boundaries than I used to be. No pics today either. Buuuuut I did call our housekeeper and spoke to her son (who is 19) about coming with me on my mission tomorrow morning as a body guard and he's cool with that so no excuses now. AND I spoke to the student doing the hospital project about possibly piggy-backing on his project and he's cool with that; we're gonna meet up and brain-storm on friday. So wicked, stuff is set in place. I spent counselling today talking through my resistance to making things happen, like a job. I'm not totally in-active but I could be driving myself a little harder in the search. It came out that I'm split between frustration to get independent and the comfort of staying dependent and free from responsibility. I thought back to when I was 19, missioning off overseas with no money on a one-way ticket, getting a job, working 6 days a week and filling my off day with classes and volunteering. I was going like a machine and I wasn't afraid of anything. I could scrounge money, catch a train across London and go to an interview for a job I didn't know how to do in borrowed clothes and get it. Now I have to force myself to pick up the phone and make a call. And I was like, "What happened to that chick? Where did she go?" My counselor said that it's easy to not be afraid when you don't know any better. When you're young and your biggest fear up to then was Maths. Sometimes the more you learn and the older you get, the more things you find to be afraid of. And you have to learn an equal amount of ways to overcome those new "life fears." I just came from a meeting and I feel good and grateful. Someone told me he hasn't seen me look this good and positive in a long time which was cool to hear. I do feel positive. I have this clarity that is letting me see myself so clearly and honestly. I can approach the things I'm doing wrong without resentment, take them to the people in my life who know me, and tackle them. I'm getting to learn myself one small piece at a time. I can't tell you how amazing that is for someone who has spent so many years afraid of herself and her own mind, confused, screaming and torn between identities, who felt like there was a fog and a distance between her and the rest of world. Today I'm grateful for my past and the things it's given me to make a future with. It's all good guys. Just wanted to share all this. Keep rocking and I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Oh p.s - I got a call today from a guy who writes for PIX, a photography magazine, and he saw the exhibition and want;s to do a profile article on me... YIKES!!! Mad crazy coolness. And I heard tonight about a guy I used to work for who is putting together a kinda coffee table book on recovery. Writing and art and whatever. So I'm gonna call him and see about getting my photos in there. How sick would that be? Ok enough love yas wreds
Cladner		#14	[-]
Posts: 1564 (06/03/09 11:51:52) Professional Gurlie Gurl More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Wreds, So wicked to hear you sounding up! I like your counsellors analogy about maturity giving us more of a reason to fear things because we've been around longer. It makes sense. Ignorance is bliss, but experience breeds wisdom, right? I know you feel less productive, but you're standing tall after the ground was wiped out from under you and I can bet that takes the most energy. Mys is right about your work. You capture life, not just what your eye sees. That's huge. Good news on the profile in the coffee table book! Our girl is catching on in the snappy happy circuit! Lots of luck, love and hugs! CLADNER
Guru G		#15	[-]
Posts: 4576 (06/03/09 19:57:11) Fountain of Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I think that was the healthiest post I've ever seen from you Wred. Good job kiddo!
wredsky		#16	[-]
Posts: 1786 (06/06/09 23:38:06) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks ma ladies I seem to be slacking on whatever up I reached though. Bad food yesterday and I spent most of it in bed. I literally had nothing to get up for. And I never see my housemate. She sleeps really late in the morning then goes out and stays out. When she is here she disappears into her room with whatever mate came home with her. It's kinda depressing. It'll be ok once my other mate F moves in next month. He promises that he'll hang out with me all the time. AND he's bringing his exercise bike! AANNND he's a pilates instructor in training!! I have selflessly offered to be his guinea pig for all new training he needs to practice My shooting in the township this week went so much better than the first one. Freaking freezing but the pics are pretty cool I think (see some of them below ). Of course all I heard while I was walking around was "Mlungu!!!" ("whitey" in either Zulu or Sotho, I'm not sure). Myea I kinda stand out like a sore thumb. It's cool though I'll prolly go back this week now that I have a little more confidence. Ok, breakfast time. And another long day of not much. Bleh. wreds Last Edited By: wredsky 06/06/09 23:40:08. Edited 1 times.
Cladner		#17	[-]
Posts: 1569 (06/08/09 14:37:44) Professional Gurlie Gurl More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Beautiful photos Wreds! love the black and white! sorry about your hermitty housemate.................. hope you're feeling better. Sleep is nurturing at least. coffee gets me out of bed pretty quick! thinking of you bella CLADNER
Mystiladi		#18	[-]
Posts: 5546 (06/09/09 03:36:05) Motherly Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	But there's something to say for experience no? yesss. and it really doesn't matter when you started, only that you did. I've drawn up house rules that they have to sign stating that if they relapse they will have to leave excellent..tho it should have been in triplicate. My counselor said that it's easy to not be afraid when you don't know any better. When you're young and your biggest fear up to then was Maths. Sometimes the more you learn and the older you get, the more things you find to be afraid of. And you have to learn an equal amount of ways to overcome those new "life fears." this is sooooooooooo true. one has only to look at a baby discovering his world to see how fearless and daring they are...until they take their first fall on their bum, or get a bump on the head. experience is always the best teacher...and the older one gets and the more experiences one has, one discovers just how much there IS to be afraid of. Today I'm grateful for my past and the things it's given me to make a future with. It's all good guys. you possess a wisdom beyond your years, wreds. some people never learn to count the blessings of their past, good and bad, enough to realize that they are the very things that shaped their present and future and taught them how to cope with whatever life will hand them. how cool about the guy who wants to do an article about you!!! and the coffee table book on recovery thing would be absolutely amazing!! i'm sooooo happy for you!! take THAT other-photo-girl-who-isn't-as-good-as-you! I seem to be slacking on whatever up I reached though. no reason you can't slack once in a while ya know. you are still keeping busy and you have work coming up, so just breeeeeathe, ok? When she is here she disappears into her room with whatever mate came home with her. It's kinda depressing. maybe she's just shy because she doesn't know you. try to catch her when she's alone and tell her you'd like to get to know her. invite her out for coffee or something..? soon enough you'll have F, too. i loooooooooooooooooooove the pix!!! the poverty is so sad, tho...but you have captured it and the human spirit brilliantly. you are positively rockin', wreds. i am soooooo proud of you!! lotsalove and "The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy."
Guru G		#19	[-]
Posts: 4578 (06/09/09 19:06:20) Fountain of Wisdom More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I love the pix too Wred!
wredsky		#20	[-]
Posts: 1790 (06/09/09 21:40:07) The Wordsmith More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Aw thanks guys I might enter a couple in this Sony World Photography competition that comes up every year. I enter every year and never get anywhere, but I figure every year I get better and I have nothing to lose. Been reading a lot this week and not boredom-eating which is great. Chatting everyday with my mate overseas which I love. Cg has gone away to the UK for 3 weeks which sucks. My housemate puzzles me. And I'm tryyyyying to trust that a job is on it's way. It's not easy. I impulsively shopped my grocery money away... but my new snoopy pajama pants rock my world one has only to look at a baby discovering his world to see how fearless and daring they are... Nice point Mys! take THAT other-photo-girl-who-isn't-as-good-as-you! maybe she's just shy because she doesn't know you She's definitely not shy. When she's here she talks her head off. She just has this life she gets (maybe too) involved in. Other recovering addicts and exes and all that. Hey it's all good but I'm gonna ask her to keep me more in the loop about where she is. I spent all of yesterday knocking on her door, thinking she was in bed all day and wondering why. Finally last night I turned on the light cos I was worried and she hadn't been there all day. I didn't even hear her go out. And come to think of it I'm not even sure she came home the day before. Makes me feel like I'm going a little mad. Then I got a text at 2am saying she wouldn't be home. wtf? Well hey its her life, I'm not her mother. She's 20 you know? Life's like that when you're 20. Mine was anyway. Love massive ladies wreds

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